Washington DC: With the American government shutdown underway, fears as to how this will affect the daily life of Americans have led to many speculations.
These fears range from the availability to social security checks to the availability of of military personnel to whether or not the White House gift shop will remain open. Some citizens have even been left wondering if their country is even named “The United States of America” during this political crisis.
“If the government is shut down right now, does that mean I’m even American anymore?” asked local resident of the temporary nation of New York Clyde Schneider. “If that’s the case, maybe I can finally get citizenship in Canada as a refugee.”
Fortunately, this government shutdown does not mean that all forms of the US federal government cease to exist. For instance, the name of the country will remain “The United States of America” instead of “The Nation Formerly Known as The United States of America” or a mere symbol like pop artist Prince. Uniformed military personnel will still be paid and maintain their positions across the globe. President Obama will continue to hold press conferences keeping the American public updated daily on how the government is shut down.
Unfortunately, this does mean that national parks will be closed, or at least left unguarded for attacks by teenagers wishing to engage in outdoor sex. Federal gift shops nationwide will be closed, leading to black market sales of “I <3 The US” coffee mugs and pop-up books on former presidents.
One governmental agency, however, had its own press conference to quell the public’s fear of it closing its doors during the government shutdown: the Internal Revenue Service.
“Good news, everyone! Although the government has shut down, our valiant employees will continue to collect your hard-earned money and audit your businesses,” stated IRS public relations representative Hubert J. Farnsworth. “The wheels of federal funding will continue, even if there is no form of federal government open. Huzzah!”
During the government shutdown, IRS offices will continue to operate, and even offer extra services to those who may miss certain aspects of government.
“You may not be able to wait on a line at the DMV for two hours among other smelly, angry people, but have no fear! Your local IRS office will be holding daily waiting lines so that you can feel at ease knowing that the government is still up your ass about mundane things such as voter eligibility and passports,” explained Farnsworth. “We will even hold workshops where you will be able to fill out countless pages of forms by hand so that you know your government still wants to know everything about you at all times.”
IRS offices will be open to the public during normal, daily government hours, 10:00am – 3:00pm.