San Francisco, CA: Two years after a tsunami and earthquake ravaged the pacific coast of Japan, leaving a nuclear plant in Fukushima with significant damage, America’s hysterics are still paying close attention to any long-term effects the run-off from the plant could cause.
“They may say the situation is stable, but that’s just what they want you to think,” said resident vagabond Jack Schumer. “They just don’t want any of the heat to come back to them.” Schumer elaborated that the tsunami caused enough damage to the nuclear plant to create significant run-off into the Pacific Ocean, which is now making its way to the West Coast and ravaging sea-life.
When pressed for evidence of these findings, Schumer responded that he saw “a map that had a big red thing on the Pacific Ocean.” Said big red thing would apparently infect the Pacific’s fish populations, which much of the West Coast of the United States relies on for a significant portion of seafood.
As other local vagabonds and conspiratorial newsreaders weighed in, it became clear that big red things poisoning food sources were not the only issue. They cite a totally legitimate source that run-off also affected an underwater volcano called Tamu Massif, which then caused the most recent earthquake felt in the area. It is currently thought by people who believe that folding their money reveals a prophecy of the September 11th attacks that the volcano will soon follow with a massive eruption.
“The volcano’s not done with us yet,” said local conspiracy theorist and Guy-Fawkes-mask-enthusiast Terrence Fowler. “That eruption will wipe out most Pacific life, effectively taking away the food source of what will soon emerge.” Fowler then postulated that the underwater volcanic eruption would move the plates of the earth enough to reveal an ancient legend waiting beneath the crust. “Gojira will have no food source to turn to…but us,” Fowler elaborated while dramatically removing his sunglasses.
As the vague and unverified sources continued to pile on heightened scenarios of what the run-off might cause for the Americas, other bad news continued to emerge. The purveyor of the awful nuclear waste news also informed the public that all Guantanamo prisoners were being freed and sent to live among Americans, raising questions about who the 164 current detainees are.