Washington, DC: Amid the ongoing controversy over the NSA’s domestic spying program, the government organization has asked all of those engaging in conversations that might be slightly weird or generally off-putting to stop making jokes about the NSA reading said conversations.
“Our wiretaps are also scanning for mention of the National Security Agency and other government programs in case any attacks are being planned to target these agencies,” stated Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, speaking at a public conference called earlier this morning. “Now we have to sift through all of these people mentioning the NSA because they’re joking to their friends that they hope we aren’t paying attention to their weird conversations about the bowel movement they just had, or how much they would like to choke the guy a few cubicles down.”
Hagel insisted that these non-serious and/or non-threatening conversations were beginning to blot out ones they actually want to pay attention to. Hagel stated they are also receiving many red flags from people typing phrases such as, “Hey NSA, I know where Edward Snowden is,” “I would like to bomb a lot of important buildings,” and “I would like to bomb Edward Snowden,” typed as jokes to see if the NSA was monitoring the conversation to begin with.
Hagel has asked that this type of “baiting” cease. “It was pretty funny at first,” said NSA employee Dane Brackett. “Now most of the conversations I’ve been assigned to go through are just people saying, ‘hope the NSA isn’t watching lol [sic]’ when they’re just talking about how they don’t want their significant other to know how many bagels they’ve had that day.” Brackett added that he felt that the joke had become “old hat.”
United States Attorney General Eric Holder also contributed his thoughts on the subject, stating that these kinds of jokes were soiling the NSA’s ability to monitor the conversations of most American citizens. He added that such conversations were also providing them with the private information most citizens were afraid of yielding to the NSA in the first place, merely by mentioning the organization. Holder added, “Most of it is a bit T.M.I. anyway.”
As of press time, the jokes had increased in frequency with people now asking for the NSA explicitly to read the conversation, usually followed by a string of curse words, and for conversations via the internet, a picture of a man’s anus.