New York, NY: President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly agreed to consider the terms laid out by the UN’s most recent resolution in response to his use of chemical weapons. The resolution, GA/3/1.1, outlines a comprehensive plan for a 30-minute discussion with the Syrian leader which may be the strongest-worded talking-to ever employed by the UN. During this discussion, a designated Ambassador will make use of a number of polite but firm pieces of phraseology from the UN List of Approved Expressions of Shock and Disappointment. The discussion may contain such jarring statements of disapproval as “That was wrong of you to do” and “We strongly advise you to think about what you did”. Of course, any of the chosen phrases will have to meet the approval of the Russian delegation.
The adoption of the resolution met with some resistance among Syria’s allies, such as Russia and another country represented by a guy that looked a lot like the Russian delegate with a mustache. The mustachioed delegate from a country called Notrussia was concerned what sort of precedent this talking-to might set. The delegate worried that this might be a slippery slope to the UN distributing “talking-to”s for only minor infringements of international law.
The delegate spoke before the General Assembly. “Sure, now we’re criticizing Syria for gassing its own people, but what’s to stop us from someday raising a complaint when a country imprisons political opponents? That happens to be a tradition in Russia. Er, I mean, also Notrussia.”
On the other side, the United States was unhappy with the resolution, claiming it did not go far enough. Secretary of State and Herman Munster stand-in John Kerry insisted that a military option remain on the table. “I just spoke to Boeing and they said they’d totally give us this wicked discount if we put together a third war. They’re giving us something like 30% every third Sidewinder missile we buy. At that price, we can’t afford NOT to go to war.”
Fortunately for the resolution, rather than pass rules based on popular agreement, the UN adopts resolutions only when based on how widely unpopular they are. Once enough nations resolved not to support or recognize the resolution, it was immediately adopted.
However, President Al-Assad has only agreed to consider the resolution, and has not yet signed it. The resolution has already been amended, reducing the time of the talking-to to ten minutes.
Experts say the resolution may be further tweaked to only provide for sending of a letter of disapproval. However, the letter will be written all in Arial Bold in order to be taken more seriously. Al-Assad reportedly will be negotiating for Times New Roman.