Washington, DC: Pentagon leaders have issued a statement commending the actions of Miley Cyrus at the MTV Video Music Awards last week. As they prepare to begin air strikes on Syria, the DoD could not have been more pleased with Cyrus, who bravely sacrificed her reputation so that the American public and their news outlets didn’t have to confront the possibility of a new overseas conflict. Cyrus provided enough material to fill the front pages of newspapers and magazines across the country, a remarkable feat considering the 19-year-old performer’s physical endowments.
“Ms. Cyrus has done a great service to the country,” An excerpt from the statement reads. “By drawing Americans’ attention away from US military interventionism and instead towards her vigorously vibrating buttocks, she has helped the country avoid what could have been a major reevaluation of defense policy.”
News outlets were similarly thankful for Cyrus’ altruism. After several weeks of being forced to confront difficult questions on American right to privacy and Edward Snowden’s decidedly unsexy nerd vibe, Cyrus and her hypnotic jiggling has put the media back on track.
“The energy in the office is palpable,” said CNN correspondent Nancy McFace. “People are excited to get back to work on something really meaningless. Our viewing public can only handle so much self-reflection and hard questions. They’re ready to get back into the stories about millionaires with traumatic childhoods, nipple slips and PG descriptions of sex acts. This is what I got into journalism for.”
This comes as a bit of a shock to many Americans, who were unaware of the national security uses of celebrities. Wikileaks founder and part-time James Bond villain Julian Assange delivered a message to clear up misunderstandings. “The US military has the most sophisticated celebrity arsenal in the world. All A-list celebrities must go through extensive military training so that they are prepared, at a moment’s notice, to do their duty for America, be it by inhaling record amounts of cocaine, drunkenly eating a hamburger, or denying the Holocaust.”
The DoD has denied these assertions and insisted that, unlike most of the other accusations that they have denied which turned out to be true later, this one is most definitely untrue. Immediately following the denial, news broke about police arresting Lindsay Lohan for snorting a bunch of meth and running up and down Hollywood Boulevard screaming “Look at me! Look at me!”