Hollywood, CA: The news is out, leading to the crying, complaining, and harakiri of Batman fans across the globe: Ben Affleck will be the next incarnation of Batman.
Unfortunately, the more flamboyant fans failed to read the fine print in the statement release, if at all. Affleck will revamp the role of Batman/Bruce Wayne in the Man of Steel sequel by Warner Bros, slated to be released in 2015.
“Once again, we have film nuts losing their minds over something they didn’t even bother to read about,” explained Hollywood representative Brian Duchovitz. “95% of the people complaining probably only read the headline. If that.”
What most fans failed to understand is that Ben Affleck is not indefinitely taking the role of Batman in future installments of The Dark Knight. He is Batman in a film about Superman.
“As far as we know, Batman will be sitting around in his underwear watching reruns of Dallas,” stated screenwriter Nancy Hennit. “It’s a Superman movie. Ben Affleck may have two whole scenes where he just has to be mentor-ish and loathe crime. It’s not that hard.”
Some fans believe that Ben Affleck can ruin the Batman legacy with even a few scenes. “Can you imagine Batman with a Boston accent?” asked local fan-boy Cornelius Smith. “I can see it now. ‘Rahbin, pull da Bat-Cah ova, I need ta nab some beah from da pahkie. GO SAWX!’ I will literally vomit when I see this movie. Which I will. Because I want to continue to complain about it.”
Ruining the Batman legacy may be harder than it seems, and may even need Affleck to help Batman reach the next level. “Every time an awesome Batman comes around, a horrible Batman follows. Why? Because the producers don’t know where else to go,” explained casting director Louis FiDelio. “After Michael Keaton we had bat-nipples with Val Kilmer and George Clooney. FUCKING BAT-NIPPLES! That helped Christian Bale quite a bit. I’m sure Ben Affleck is going to make us think that whoever follows him was born to play Batman.”