Washington, DC: Upon the recent discovery of another carnivorous mammal species in the cloud forests of Ecuador and Columbia, considerable public demand for adorable YouTube videos of the animal, the olinguito, has surfaced.
“If the Smithsonian or whoever found it could just give us something, like the little guy playing with a squeaky toy or wearing a miniature safari hat, that would be really cool,” said local D.C. resident Kelly Ocampo. “Nothing too intensive, just a shot of one being shy under a table or being fascinated with a piece of string. We can have him walk across a piano and accidentally play ‘Chopsticks’ later.”
The demands have baffled experts, such as Kristofer Helgen, curator of mammals at the Smithsonian and the announcer of the discovery of the olinguito. “Yeah, they’re kind of cute, but we literally just found them,” Helgen stated, adding, “We didn’t even know they existed until very recently. I don’t know if it would give a shit about string.”
Another researcher, Roland Kays of the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences, was similarly perplexed by the public’s demand for YouTube videos showing the olinguito doing such things as, “sneezing,” or “eating a small piece of cheese.” Kays stated, “I feel like people are thinking this could be something held in a private home, like with those videos of slow lorises or something. But really, you shouldn’t even have those in your house, as adorable as they are with tiny umbrellas. They’re wild animals.”
Kays went on to add that the olinguito has, “Pretty sharp claws,” and that, “Seriously, it’s a carnivore. That means it eats meat. Like your fleshy little fingers that would fit perfectly in its mouth.”
Despite these reservations, others have still requested that the olinguito be shown participating in a variety of adorable activities, with many expressing their preference that the animal is presented in such a way that gives them hope that it may one day be domesticated.
“I just want to feel like maybe I could own something exotic one day,” said Georgetown resident Aaron Bond. “As long as it’s easy to take care of and can’t reproduce or have those sharp claws or bite me or do anything weird like pee on all my stuff,” Bond added, noting that his current living situation could barely handle the responsibility of owning a fish. “If it could just be like a dog or cat but that looks different, that’d be awesome.”
“Can I just see a video of one falling over while playing with a ball, please? I just really want that,” added Ocampo. As of press time, public demand for videos of the olinguito had subsided upon the release of a YouTube video in which a baby polar bear hides underneath a blanket.