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Yelena Isinbayeva Keeps a Straight Face While Holding a Pole


yelena_isinbayevaMoscow, RUSSIA: In breaking news that has people both excited and disgusted at the same time, Russian world champion pole vaulter Yelena Isinbayeva spoke out against two Swedish athletes who besmirched Russia’s anti-gay propaganda legislation by wearing rainbow-colored nails.

The idea of the Swiss doing anything controversial that takes sides may seem ridiculous enough, but that was not the most ridiculous idea. Instead, Isinbayeva herself took the gold in ridiculousness as well as the pole-vaulting event at the World Athletic Championships, and it wasn’t just because of her support Russia’s policy about homosexuality.

“Once I heard her say, ‘We are normal Russians,’ I immediately thought of her holding that giant pole,” explained American sports fan Michael Ludner. “It was…uncomfortable….”

Mr. Ludner then excused himself, explaining he needed to go to the bathroom while fumbling for his phone.

Even sports analysts believed that Isinbayeva had gone beyond her expertise when discussing Russian politics.

“Athletes from certain sports just can’t be taken seriously when dealing with issues about sexuality of morality,” explained analyst Paul Emmerlan. “The pole vault is right up there with javelin throwing, water polo, and wrestling. You just can’t keep a straight face watching these sports as it is, but have them start making speeches about sex, well…look what happens.”

Russia’s anti-gay propaganda law has been an inflammatory global issue since the Russian Parliament passed the ruling in June. The law introduces heavy fines for anyone convicted of promoting homosexuality to people under the age of 18. Earlier this month, Russia’s Sports Minister, Vitaly Mutko, warned that gay competitors in next year’s Winter Olympics, to be held in Sochi, risk arrest if they engage in homosexual propaganda.

“It’s a good thing this is about the Winter Olympics,” stated Emmerlan. “If this were the Summer Games, every male athlete in the pole vault, javelin throw, water polo, swimming and wrestling would probably be arrested.”

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