Boston, MA: With the jury having all but a verdict in the trial of infamous Winter Hill Gang leader, Whitey Bulger, the glory days of American organized crime, having been pared down in the past few decades by the FBI to a mere few stalwarts, may be coming to an end.
“We’re really down to about 10 guys and a couple pool cues here,” explained Tommy “Stix” Delgato, consigliere of the once mighty New York based Lucchese crime family. “Everyone else’s locked up. Times are tough and cash’s grown tight.”
Yes, the good old days of money laundering, extortion and loan sharking appear to be over, but gangsters still have their hands in a few operations. “We still got the faulty Zoltan machine out in Coney and 5% ownership in a Redbox machine in Yonkers,” Delgato explained. “It may not seem like much, but turf is turf.”
Beyond the lowered cash flow, Mr. Delgato assures that modern mobsters do their best to maintain the image. “We still got the style though. Check out this suit. Genuine Marks Work Warehouse. Got the insiders discount too cause the Don’s working there part-time. Don’t second guess the family, we still got influence.”
Even in one of the mob’s most traditional markets, gambling, they’ve slowly lost their foothold with such classic mob-run Vegas casinos like the Sands and Stardust having been muscled out by big corporations, reducing them back to the streets. “You can muscle us out of our casinos, but you can’t muscle the mob outta gambling. That’s the truth,” stated Bugsy “No Legs” Malone. “You’d be surprised how much coin we get handicapping Pokémon games over at the elementary school. Also got our own little fixer in Bobby ‘Booger Face’ Rothstein too, which is nice ‘cause his Mom lets us borrow the minivan on collection day.”
Some gangs, however, have completely disbanded in the midst of a dried up market. Whitey Bulger’s Winter Hill Gang, for example, just closed operations this past March, finding it difficult to operate with their leader behind bars. Former acting boss, Micky O’Donnell, describes the sad day. “We just figured ‘what’s the point?’ Nobody’s in this anymore. There were no more hits to take out ‘cause we were the only gang left in Boston. So we closed the doors on our meeting place; which, might I add, my wife has turned into a lovely sitting room.”
That apathetic shrug to crime resonates across the country, caused by waning interest in becoming ‘part of the family.’ This has forced the mob to relax their once exclusive standards for membership.
“I found an ad on Craigslist one day asking for part-time accounting help with no experience necessary, so I applied,” recounts local Chicago teenager Pradeep “Comes Cheap” Singh. “Turns out it was with the Chicago Outfit. Now I’m a cool mobster. It’s great, too, because I can work it around my homework and debate team meetings!”
Although down at the moment, organized crime has always had a flawless record at adapting to the times. Los Angeles crime family boss, Vincent “Vinny2k” Lorenzo, reveals their new-found tactics at staying relevant. “We saw what was going on and said, “Fuck it.’ So we spent a few bucks and started a blog. Got my daughter running our Twitter too. Don’t count us out yet!”
At press time, Lorenzo’s latest tweet was, “OMG having dinner right beside Ashley Tisdale. I can die now!!!!!!!!!! <3 #LAsyn”