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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 7-22-2013

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

Jump on that big, fat opportunity today. Sure, it may be greasy and smelly but, when it’s all over, you’ll be able to say you did it. And then shamefully point at the grotesque opportunity and cry.

TAURUS

You can count on plans and people today. Most likely, count on them quitting early after complaining about the heat and leaving you to mop their child’s puke because their summer camp was cancelled due to a brownout.

GEMINI

Things are bothering you under the surface today, but you may not be able to plumb the depths in time to figure out what’s up. Stay away from loved ones for a while so that you can Hulk-out in peace.

CANCER

An unavoidable issue comes your way today. Do your best to counter this horoscope by avoiding it at all costs, even if you have to stay in bed.

LEO

It’s a good day for you to share your passions with new people. Scratch that, the past  4 days of the San Diego Comic-Con were good days to share your passions with new people. If you talk to random strangers wearing Halo body-armor, you may not get a friendly response.

VIRGO

You know better than most how hard work pays off. You’ve seen your managers at work soar on the energy of yours.

LIBRA

Keep working until you feel a little shaky from exhaustion. That way, the boss will think you’re suffering from sunstroke and give you the rest of the day off.

SCORPIO

Brainstorming meetings should be fruitful. Of course, actual brain-merging sessions would be more fruitful, considering how sci-fi movies work.

SAGITTARIUS

You may dazzle someone with an off-the-cuff remark that leaves them speechless. Whether it compels them to kiss you or slap you depends on the remark itself.

CAPRICORN

Your plans are coming together in a great way today. World domination is yours for the taking!

AQUARIUS

Can you maintain focus? If you’ve found your horoscope on this list, chances are that you can. If you’re reading this and you’re a Virgo, chances are that you can’t.

PISCES

You need a new boss. Then again, not much good happened to Tony Danza when he left Angela Bower to find a new boss himself.

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