Chicago, IL: As the summer solstice approaches and temperatures rise to more comfortable levels, people are finally emerging outdoors after a long winter.
Parks are filled with happy couples enjoying picnics, groups of friends tossing a Frisbee and laughing playfully, and dogs and their owners enjoying a nice stroll. Concert promoters are getting ready for a variety of outdoor festivals, and people are lying out on the beach letting the sun wash over their skin to give them a natural, healthy bronze glow.
The excitement from being able to open up windows and turn off the heaters again comes as a relief to residents across the United States, as cold fronts often paired with several days’ worth of rain and even dangerous storms have been pervasive as of late.
At the same time, thousands of horrible spiders are emerging to weave their gross webs over bus stations or dangle terrifyingly from your ceiling to drop into your lap.
The emergence of such beautiful weather also comes with the realization that millions of spider eggs are hatching and that the armies of spider families are now looking for homes in your beds, shoes and nasal cavities so that they might lay even more eggs to spread their spider armies into your brain.
Recently, with temperature highs in the upper 70s and low 80s, a blanket of warmth has wrapped over U.S. residents who have finally emerged from their homes to grill delicious foods, perhaps while tailgating at baseball games. Many are now taking the time to plan vacations to visit distant friends and loved ones or even just to get away from it all.
Unless these adventurers travel to somewhere that is too cold for those in the arachnid class to survive, they will still undoubtedly encounter giant funnel webs weaved by massive, bloodthirsty spiders. There are probably some in your basement right now, hidden in the darkest corners where you have placed old knickknacks or holiday materials that you aren’t going to need for many more months
Some of them are poisonous, too. These spiders can cause horrid infections with their bites that can result in things as awful as bloody and your arm falling off. Assuming they bite your arm.
Undoubtedly, the return of summer weather and all the events and activities associated with the season will be exciting to Americans across the nation. But it will also be exciting to the spiders, who will come for you, and will live in the jeans you have let sit on the floor for too long.