Miami, FL: Last week, Florida police reacted quickly to prevent a violent incident by subduing a14-year old boy and his baby pit bull.  The confrontation occurred during the afternoon on Memorial Day, with hundreds of innocent civilians and puppy_attacktheir families nearby.  The officers referred to the boy’s “dehumanizing stares” as an indication that he was about to unleash the full fury of the 6-week old animal onto the crowd.  They boldly charged out of their ATV to put the boy in a choke-hold and subdue the savage puppy.

“The boy, he had the crazy eyes and was just looking at that tiny pit bull,” local resident Jenna McPenn said to reporters, tearing up at the memory. “God, I just don’t know what would have happened if the police hadn’t been there.”

Florida police officers, with their widespread reputation for tolerance and moderation, have taken a tough stance against crime.  Particularly crime perpetrated through the use of baby animals.  The Miami police that thwarted last week’s puppy attack were part of a special ops squad lead by Detective Alvaro Zabaleta.  The squad is trained to use lethal force when dealing with PMDs, or Pets of Mass Destruction, and the children that invariably come along with them.  The squad is called the BADF or Baby Animal Defense Force.

“We’re responding to a need, really,” said Miami police Chief Henry McGrundle. “Some people just don’t understand the threat posed by tiny animals and their child accomplices.  We’ll do whatever it takes, be it stomping turtles, punching parakeets, or punting kittens. We’re here to keep Florida safe from any threat, no matter how adorable.”

According to Chief McGrundle, would-be attackers are beginning to adapt to the tactics of the Miami police.  As a result, the BADF has begun training to deal with more exotic threats.  The specialized techniques involve snake-tying, hamster-tossing, hermit crab-stripping, and even how best to disable pet rocks.

A handful of people in the media have criticized the techniques, suggesting that the police are exaggerating the dangers presented by children and their pets.  McGrundle dismissed this comments angrily, stating, “I’ve lost too many good officers to cat scratches and gerbil bites to listen to that.”

The program has been receiving acclaim from all over the state.  Rick Scott, Republican Governor of Florida, praised the Miami police in a press conference this week.  “Chief McGrundle and his officers know that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance against children and puppies.”

One thought on “Florida Police Thwart Brutally Adorable Puppy Attack”
  1. Thank you, Batorsky, for the excellent, and relevant reporting. But, for me it was a difficult, heart-wrenching report: especially the part about punting kittens. The stress this must inflict on the BADFers must be immense. Many must have kittens of their own at home. It is no wonder, then, that lame-duck Mayor Bloomburg (aspirant to the title abdicated Napoleon III, of 18th Brumaire fame} was recently moved to call his “own army”, the NYPD, a “paramilitary force”, in bold defiance of the limitation of raising militias to the states imposed by the our equally lame-duck Constitution. The stress on these overburdened BADFers, who, one would think, have better things to do, must be almost too much to bear. Everyone should, definitely, read Hearne’s “Bandit” to understand how the law’s response to deadly threat of Pit Bulls–and their babies–parallels, and perhaps prepare us for, the genocidal pogroms the BADFers might next be burdened with as they mutate into paramilitary forces. Good work, Ben.
    PS. seems Mayor Bberg is referenced in another article in this edition.

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