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Senate Passes “No Soup for You” Bill

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Washington, DC: This past week, the Senate passed a bill making those convicted of violent crimes ineligible from receiving food stamps.  The bill was sponsored by Republican Senator and DC Madame customer David Vitter, who is bravely taking a stand against the many entitlements afforded to convicted criminals.

Senator David Vitter

Senator Vitter acts out how tossed salad from prostitutes needs no food stamps at all.

On the floor of the Senate, Vitter was quoted as saying, “You commit a crime? Well, no soup for you!”

This is another step in Republicans’ new “Starved Straight” platform where they introduce laws and measures aimed to strip criminals of their ability to afford food with the intention that they’ll make amends for their crimes by finding secure, full-time jobs or simply starve to death.

“It’s win-win, honestly,” said Vitter in a press conference this week. “The American public doesn’t want to see their money going to feeding criminals.  They’d rather see it go to keeping them in prison.”

This is a new approach that has criminal justice experts very excited.  As Dr. Sam McGruff, professor at the New York University of Bad Ideas and Criminology, explains, “Violent crime rates have been dropping nation-wide for years now.  Do you know how hard that makes it to get grants? Now with this law we have a bunch of people with criminal histories being unable to afford food.  I could get tenure over this.”

Republicans have fully embraced this new strategy of law enforcement via starvation.  Later this year, House Republicans plan to unveil a plan for a new program to deter criminal activity tentatively titled the “Really Hungry Games”.  As part of the program, the hungriest former criminals would be rounded up and placed on an island where they would battle to the death for the right to receive basic social services.  Any profits from televising the games would be put back into the justice system to compensate for the loss of potential inmates.

The “no soup for you” bill passed unanimously, showing that the idea of using social services as punishments is gaining bipartisan acceptance.  There have been talks going on across the aisle about new measures to reduce or take away welfare for various behaviors such as criminal activity, drug use, or voting independent.  Governor Rick Scott has proposed a new law to force accused criminals to stay in their home until, in the language of the law, “they’ve learned their lesson.” Police departments nationwide have been requesting permission to allow the employment of corrective spanking.

“This is a pretty novel idea,” said Vitter. “After all, there’s nothing saying social security needs to be reliable.”

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