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New Benghazi Report Offers Shocking Plot Twists and Holes

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Washington, DC: Recently leaked government emails have revealed some astonishing new details about the attack on the US Consulate in the Libyan city of Benghazi. Members of both parties have been riled by these developments and President Obama and the White House have come under scrutiny for their potential involvement in a large-scale cover-up of these ground-breaking plot twists.

benghazi_alien           The emails reveal that not only was the Consulate a small village founded by an enclave of traumatized mental patients and isolated in the wilderness of Benghazi, but the real attack came in the form of an alien plant-secreted neurotoxin, because the terrorist group was actually dead all along.  The entire episode wasn’t ended by US security forces, but rather by a glass of water, as apparently the alien plants were allergic to H2O molecules.

Republicans have reacted strongly to these twists, insisting that they are totally clichéd and don’t really match the rest of the details of the incident.

“Oh my, it just seems so contrived.  You might as well say the whole thing was a dream, save us all ten bucks seeing it in the theater,” said Senator and famed country belle Lindsey Graham. “I do declare, what kind of monster is a shrub?”

“It’s got none of the complexity of the real scandals, you know, the Watergates, the Abu Ghraibs, the classics,” explained Senator Ted Cruz to a few members of the press he ambushed at a bar. “It’s just kind of hokey.”

Obama has leaped to the defense of the scandal, insisting at a press conference that it had what it takes to be a full-fledged scandal.  “What we were going for was just some ordinary, classic bungling.  You know, one of those B-rated scandals.  I think we succeeded.” When asked if M. Night Shyamalan was officially an employee of the government, President Obama had no comment.

The media, for their part, gave the new twists a lukewarm reception before moving on to the Spring blockbusters.  Several pundits suggested that the incident was better left as is.  One Rotten Tomatoes commentator suggested that the White House could never have expected to live up to the original.

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