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Facebook Phone Fails, Other Social Media Phones Abandoned

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Menlo Park, CA: After the recent devaluation of the HTC First, commonly known as “The Facebook Phone,” to 99¢, other popular social media sites are shutting down their own plans to release phones centered around their own networking applications.

OtterBox may have a protective utility belt to protect all the phones necessary for social media networking.

OtterBox may have a protective utility belt in development to protect all the phones necessary for social media networking.

“People got sick of the ‘Facebook Phone’ idea when they realized the first thing they would see when they turned on their phone would be another boring selfie of someone on their way to work making that sideways peace sign or more pictures of their cousin’s baby still just sitting in its fucking high-chair,” said Twitter CEO Dick Costolo. “We realized that subjecting people to a phone where the first thing you see is just someone complaining about waiting in line at Starbucks or saying something racist with the hasthag ‘#justsayin’ would be zero percent better.”

Costolo further elaborated that he could see “all of that bullshit” on his phone already, and just wanted to be able to, “Get right to a game of ‘Words With Friends’ or something, like I don’t know, call or text somebody.”

Also abandoning plans to release a phone was the popular blogging website Tumblr. Asked for comment, founder David Karp iterated that, “It just seemed kind of annoying to flood people with animated gifs of Kristen Wiig attached to social colloquialisms whenever they got a free moment…This whole dollar Facebook phone thing just kind of sealed the deal.” Karp then noted that he had apps for both Facebook and Tumblr on his current smartphone, the convenience of which he noted, “is kind of already a thing.”

These moves will undoubtedly disappoint a few, however, including users of the HTC First. Jacksonville, Florida resident Brent Forrest, an owner of the HTC First since day one, expressed his disappointment that he would no longer be able to diversify his social media experience across several phones. “It’s too confusing having them all on one thing,” said Forrest. “I don’t want to get mixed up on whether I’m tweeting someone or Facebooking them…I’d rather have a few phones with me where I can be sure the first thing I’ll open will be the app I want.”

When asked whether or not he would have the same calling and texting plans on each phone, Forest first appeared confused. “Oh, right. Yeah, I mean I’d call someone every now and then, I think. But I use Facebook chat more than texting with this thing. I mean, why not? I can chat even while looking at Google Maps,” said Forest, preparing to walk through a crowd while never looking up. “Why should I stop chatting about the after credits clip of Iron Man 3 with my friends just because I’m looking for this address?”

Plans to release a MySpace centered phone are still in development, though the starting price will be at 99¢ and is expected to eventually become free in a bid to remind users of Tom’s undying friendship.

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Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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