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George W Bush Opens Library of ‘Merica

Allegedly, President Bush began speaking.

Allegedly, President Bush began speaking.

Dallas, Texas: On Thursday, George W. Bush presided over the opening of his presidential library, the George W. Bush Library of ‘Merica.  The name was chosen to represent the former president’s unique contributions to the American legacy.  A number of PR representatives advised against this name, but Bush stayed true to his reputation by sticking with his decision, regardless of what the experts might say.

The Library of ‘Merica is designed according to the former president’s specifications.  The outside is surrounded by a vast porch area, equipped with a multitude of rocking chairs for what Bush called “some old-fashioned sittin’”.  The building itself is made to resemble the Bush family’s own ranch, complete with a range for cattle grazing and a vast cornfield.  This leaves little space for the building itself, but Bush insisted to designers that “there weren’t nothin’ you can’t learn from tendin’ some cattle.”

The building is split into three parts.  One part is a sports bar, serving up strictly All-American beers like Budweiser and Coors light.  Another part is the library proper, equipped with an extensive collection of sports almanacs, guns and ammo magazines and history books that Bush boasts “teach the controversy”.  The third part is a Waffle House.

Throughout the library are portraits of Bush with his brow furrowed as if he were deep in thought or choking on a pretzel.  Underneath each portrait are famous quotes such as “Fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again” and “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

The opening was a grand affair, where Bush shared the day with Bush senior, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama.  Obama delivered a congratulatory speech, praising the former president for his ability to make terrible decisions even in the face of enormous pressure from experts in the area.  He also expressed how grateful he was for Bush’s contributions to national security.

“Wire-tapping, torture, indefinite detention.  I would never have thought of all that!” Obama expressed gleefully.

When Bush himself mounted the podium, there were tears in his eyes.  He expressed how grateful he was to have the opportunity to take control of something so powerful and run it into the ground.  He addressed the war in Iraq and Afghanistan directly, explaining that he had to make some difficult decisions, but he was, and always will be, the decider.

“And all those people that thought it was a bad idea, that thought my legacy would be one of complete financial and diplomatic disaster, well,” Bush moved a hand to wipe away a tear. “They misunderestimated me.”

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