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Americans Mistake Chechens for Alien Race in Defiance


Boston, MA: As the dust has settled and suspects are gathered up in relation to the bombing at the Boston Marathon, it seems that more questions than answers are rising.chechen_castithan

Some conspiracy theorists have called the attack a “false flag” operation, and took to such acclaimed news outlets such as 4chan and imgur to explain their ideas through pictures. Sports conspiracy theorists have linked the “false flag” to the Red Sox, who have needed a spark since their last World Series title in 2007.

However, the theory that has been indoctrinated by most Americans as most plausible is that this is the beginning of an alien invasion, and more attacks may follow. The reasoning? No one had ever heard of Chechens until last week, when Syfy’s Defiance was aired.

“The Chechens seem to be a devious alien race on the show, attempting to gain power by any means necessary,” stated science fiction jerk Alan Malben. “Kind of like Romulans, Cylons, and Middle Earth elves. Let’s be honest, they all look alike.”

“Dzhokhar Tsarnaev sounds a hell of a lot like Datak Tarr,” stated William Beatty, who became a Star Trek fan when Enterprise was released. “There are too many coincidences to not notice.”

While Chechens seem to only reside in St. Louis in the show, the idea that they could have only crashed into the heart of America seems unlikely. Boston would be another likely area, considering New England’s proximity to the landing of a much older Chechen line, vampires.

“This has been predicted for centuries,” stated Twilight series historian Mary McGinty. “We may not have known the term ‘Chechen’ before, but the future has been foretold over and over again. Crossing the Atlantic Ocean or the Milky Way Galaxy are easily interchangeable.”

While fears may be apparent, it is hoped that these incidents in present day Boston and future St. Louis are only by a small, radical group of Chechens, and have no bearing on the general aggressiveness of Chechens in the entire universe.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: The alien race in Defiance are Castithan from Casti, not Chechen from Chechnya.)

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

1 Comment

  1. avatar

    WTF is this bullshit? You say nobody ever heard about chechens? Well fuck you, everybody knows chechens. They are known for being a strong, freedom-loving, honourable folk. You’re just a dipshit who doesn’t know anything about Chechens. And I’m sure you’re a one ugly fat motherf*cker who is just jealous.

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