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MLB Baseball: Parody Rankings Week 3


MLB_bird_logoThe events at the Boston Marathon were heart-breaking, but the effects of the tragedy can be considered inspiring. Not only were people running towards the explosions to do what they could to help total strangers, but sports rivalries were erased as Yankees Stadium played “Sweet Caroline” just as how Fenway Park played “New York, New York” after 9/11.

So as we enter Week 3, think about how trivial sports really can be, and how we can’t wait for it to be that trivial again. If life is so good that our daily misery comes from the record of our favorite sports team, we must have a great life.

Atlanta Braves


A record of 11-1 has to be painful. Maybe not for the whole Braves team, but Chris Medlen has to be embarrassed for hanging their only “1” in the loss column.

Oakland Athletics


It seems that, every year, the A’s have some insane win-streak that makes sports pundits think that this may be their Cinderella year. This may be the earliest it has ever happened, which means they have a lot to live up to if they want to make it back into national news.

Washington Nationals


The Nationals looked like the NL front-runners. That is, until I looked at the teams they won against before playing the Braves: Marlins and White Sox. I bet every team has games with those teams circled as wins already.

San Francisco Giants


Barry Zito seems to be reverting to form earlier than usual. 8 runs in one inning? How did he even last long enough to give up 8?

St. Louis Cardinals


Tony La Russa may be 100 years old, but he still knows how to manage.

Detroit Tigers


If the Tigers don’t take the AL Central this season, they may want to consider taking the place that the Astros abandoned in the National League.

Texas Rangers


If nothing else, we know that Lance Berkman won’t become a Cub anytime soon after ripping on Wrigley Field.

Arizona Diamondbacks


The Paul Goldschmidt tour continues to New York, where someone on Madison Avenue is licking their lips for a chance to have him market something. Maybe Goldschlager?

Cincinnati Reds


When you get swept by the Pirates, you have to analyze your self worth as a baseball team.

Baltimore Orioles


The Orioles were expected to give Baltimore a sports championship sweep this season. This is easier for Baltimore than other cites, considering they only deal with football and baseball. Now, even that seems like a tall order as the O’s struggle.

Boston Red Sox


For the week, we’ll all be “Boston” fans. Unfortunately, Red Sox Nation may think that means, “Boston Red Sox” fans.

Los Angeles Dodgers


Zack Greinke has apparently been replaced by Fat Josh Beckett. It’s going to be a long season, Dodgers fans.

Kansas City Royals


The Royals are scarily close to being a contender, which means that they may hold off on their mid-season fire sale until at least the trade deadline.

New York Yankees


Surprise! The Yankees are still contenders, even if they have to play with crutches and Depends.

New York Mets


Hopefully the Mets don’t do to Matt Harvey what they did to Johan Santana: break him into little pieces to prove legitimacy.

Tampa Bay Rays


If pitching scored runs like it does in cricket, the Rays would be much better off than they are.

Toronto Blue Jays


Wasn’t the battle for the AL East supposed to be for the birds, literally, with the Blue Jays and the Orioles? What happened with that plan?

Philadelphia Phillies


Roy Halladay froze the Marlins. Congratulations, Roy. Maybe the Phillies can play a Triple-A team to keep that win streak going.

Colorado Rockies


The Rockies are still beating up on bad teams, but it’s still too early in the season to tell who the really bad teams are.

Seattle Mariners


Those poor Mariners. With all their injuries, they needed to dip into their All-Star well of Endy Chavez, Raul Ibanez, and Jason Bay.

Cleveland Indians


Cleveland hasn’t been rocking too hard, but considering they were expected to rock as hard as gray turtles crawling to elevator music, it’s hard enough to keep it interesting.

Chicago White Sox


Paul Konerko and Alex Rios can only do so much to win a game. Unless the White Sox have a cloning machine, it’ll be a long season in Chitown.

Los Angeles Angels


Josh Hamilton is finally showing Los Angeles why they gave him a big pay day. Unfortunately, that didn’t leave much to share with other positions.

Pittsburgh Pirates


Sweeping the Cincinnati Reds begs the question, “Are the Pirates that good, or are the Reds that bad?”

Milwaukee Brewers


Brewers pitcher Yovani Gallardo was arrested for drunk driving. You really can’t make stuff like this up and keep a straight face.

Chicago Cubs


The Cubs seem to be shooting for “America’s Funniest Baseball Bloopers.” They should have enough footage for a feature-length by the All Star break.

Minnesota Twins


Snow delays? Isn’t it supposed to be Spring by now?

Houston Astros


Congratulations, Astros, you aren’t the worst team in baseball…this week.

San Diego Padres


Padres ace Volquez hasn’t won a game yet, destroying the idea of what an “ace” really is.

Miami Marlins


Good news, Marlins fans! You’ll be playing the Reds soon enough.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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