Baseball opened up with as many surprises as there were expectations. SURPRISE! The Astros won their first game. SURPRISE! They haven’t won a game since.
So let the predictions of Week 2 commence with our MLB Parody Rankings.
Washington Nationals
After week 2, the team from Canada that took over the US capital is still holding strong.
Atlanta Braves
It looks like all the Chipper Jones return jokes will have to be suspended, as Justin Upton is still filling Jones’ jockstrap quite well.
Detroit Tigers
It seems that Prince Fielder wants to follow in Miguel Cabrera’s footsteps and become the next Triple Crown winner. All he needs now is a juicing scandal.
Cincinnati Reds
You can’t deny that, without Scott Rolen on the roster, the Reds lineup looks a little sparse. Maybe their pitchers are position players, too?
San Francisco Giants
It must be rough for the kayakers in the bay this early in the season. Maybe the Giants should move to San Diego?
Texas Rangers
Yes, fans, Lance Berkman is doing his best Edgar Martinez impression ever.
Los Angeles Angels
Albert Pujols is finally learning to put the Angels on his back. Unfortunately, he hasn’t crawled very far.
Baltimore Orioles
The O’s are winning, but I doubt Chris Davis was supposed to be leading the team to the Promised Land. Then again, no one knew who Brian Roberts was for a while, either, post-goatee.
Oakland Athletics
Jed Lowrie has to be one of the most hillbilly names in existence, which has nothing to do with how great he’s been playing. Allegedly.
Tampa Bay Rays
People talk so bad about puppy mills. The Rays are baseball’s version of this, except they complain about how players are paid and treated better when they leave.
Los Angeles Dodgers
$140 million is some expensive surgery for a collarbone.
Boston Red Sox
How long does it take for Boston fans to start saying, “See? It WAS Bobby Valentine’s fault!”
Toronto Blue Jays
The Jays are close to learning a hard, cold reality: money doesn’t automatically get you into the playoffs.
St. Louis Cardinals
Hey, remember when the Cardinals were the tackle dummies of the NL Central? you know, that whole 5 minutes that every other team was marking them off in their wins tally? How’s that working out?
Arizona Diamondbacks
Are the Diamondbacks this year’s Cinderella team, or just something to liven up the cold at the beginning of the season?
Chicago White Sox
The White Sox may be doing that great, but at least they’re winning the battle for the hearts of Chicago. This week, anyway.
Kansas City Royals
I still think of RC Cola whenever I see the logo of the Royals.
Philadelphia Phillies
Carlos Ruiz is counting down the days until he can be bashed by rival fans like every other baseball player.
Seattle Mariners
The Mariners must be relieved that, no, they are not the worst baseball team in the American League, Astros or no Astros.
Cleveland Indians
It’s amazing that the 1st base depth chart for the Indians are all ex-Yankees.
Colorado Rockies
The Rockies look good against bad teams, and bad against good teams. This is an improvement over being one of the “bad teams.”
New York Mets
The two-man rotation of the Mets shows just how hard the loss of Carlos Santana is.
New York Yankees
My cousin is a die-hard Yankees fan, and he mailed in the season before it started. However, he still went to a game last week. So it is with real baseball fans.
Milwaukee Brewers
Yup, the Brewers still have the greatest team name ever. And that’s about it.
Pittsburgh Pirates
Surprisingly, the Pirates are fighting for the legitimacy of their team name, and not succumbing to the derogatory meaning of their team name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Minnesota Twins
The Twins are probably glad that they are running into “that other NY team” first, given their recent play.
Chicago Cubs
Here’s a fun fact: Alfonso Soriano’s salary is bigger than the sum of all the salaries of all players that aren’t pitchers.
San Diego Padres
Is anyone really surprised about the Padres?
Miami Marlins
An expectation of 30,000 at their home opener is a bit unrealistic. People don’t go to baseball games for Spring Break.
Houston Astros
What’s the over/under on how long it will take the Astros to trade Eric Bedard?