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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-11-2013

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The stars are bastards. They build you up only to break you down, then take the kids, the house, and all of your moneyastrologist so you’re left in a boarding house where you share a toilet with a sex offender named Marcus.

Oh yeah, we’re talking about astrology. Here are your horoscopes. Suck it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

You feel quite agreeable today, so much so that you might charm your way into a new romance or a new job! Or at the very least, getting the coffee guy to let you pay $1.25 for that $1.27 buttered roll.

TAURUS

Profit is a driving force today. This doesn’t not mean, however, that you should use a dollar bill as your designated driver.

GEMINI

Understanding comes easily to you today. Sure, it may be the understanding that everyone else in the world are idiots, but that’s understanding nonetheless.

CANCER

You feel more receptive to new information today. That’s what happens when you get struck by lightning: reception.

LEO

Ego problems may flare up today between you and a friend or family member. Try not to take it all too seriously. You don’t need to squabble. You’re better than they are.

VIRGO

You need to dig a little more deeply into whatever is bugging you. Unless you are hallucinating that their are caterpillars all over you. Then even digging to the bone won’t help.

LIBRA

You and your people mesh almost perfectly today. It’s as if that movie Leviathan were a true story!

SCORPIO

Things start to get really crazy today. If things are crazy everyday, that means today will be normal, which is pretty crazy if you think about it.

SAGITTARIUS

Someone needs to see your lighter side, especially if your lighter side is the side that didn’t get any sun this week. Farmer tans are hilarious.

CAPRICORN

Your great mental energy helps you catch all the details today. Hopefully that doesn’t mean you’ll have a house of Pokemon characters, because that would be a mess.

AQUARIUS

You’re feeling somewhat strange today, but that’s nothing new! Weirdo…

PISCES

Write out your feelings. They are more important than you realize, and someone close is in need of some inspiration. Just don’t write them in crayon. It’s hard to be inspired when you think the other person is mentally incapacitated.

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