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North Korea to US: We Could Totally Kick Your Ass. We Just Don’t Feel Like It Right Now

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Washington, DC: Today, officials in North Korea issued a strongly worded threat to the US assuring Americans that the North Korean military power is much stronger than theirs.  The exact words of the message were, “We could totally kick your ass if we wanted to.”

northkorea_powerThe message continues, outlining some of the high tech war gear currently used by the DPRK military.  Aside from the claims of conventional arms, North Korea claims it is in possession of several dozen “ultra-tanks”, tanks the size of mountains capable of shooting “mega-lasers”, lasers that are only harmful to the cowardly enemies of the Bright Revolution.  They also claim to have harnessed the power of the unicorns purported to be found in a cave near Pyongyang and trained their soldiers to ride into battle on their backs.

The message warns, “That’s right, unicorn calvary, what you gonna do about that, Western scum?” Adding, “Oh, and our soldiers can carry two hundred pounds in each arm.  Do you even lift?”

This is another in a series of threats that arrive via the official DPRK email, dprk(at)hotmail.com (because America Online is the demon virus of American hellspawn), usually with several attached bitmaps and a couple of executable files.  The bitmaps are usually MSPaint drawings of tanks and stick figures attacking clipart people.  The executable files appear to be viruses designed to attack versions of Windows before 95 and interfere with access to AIM and ICQ, but are merely seen as a blocked pop-up ad for Viagra.

Many of these messages appear to be written by the Supreme Leader himself.  Occasionally, the email will switch to first person, claiming “I’m a blackbelt in, like, pretty much everything”.  That particular message was particularly confrontational: “If you wanna do this, just name a place.  1-on-1, I’m unstoppable.  We invented a new martial art.  It’s called Kim Jong-Fu and it’ll knock you out.” The email went on to add, “Dude, did you ever see me ride a horse?”

The response from the State Department has been consistently firm.  However, the message has changed somewhat recently.  Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, after being bombarded by questions on North Korea at his most recent press conference, rubbed his eyes, sighed and said, “Honestly, we have no idea what to do, it’s the first time someone’s given us a reason to bomb them.  This is all kind of new to us.”

Secretary of State John Kerry was, for the first time in his life, more parsimonious. “We have the biggest military in the world and they’re planning their battles on old Ataris.  Come on.”

Despite the rhetoric, North Korea seems unwilling to actually engage.  The most recent message ended with, “We could kick your ass but we just don’t feel like it right now. You got lucky, this time.”

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