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MLB Baseball: Parody Rankings Week 1


MLB_bird_logoThe MLB season is set to begin this Sunday. On Easter. At the same time season 3 of Game of Thrones will premiere.

So if that’s not enough to mock professional baseball, we give you our version of Power Rankings, a version that really has no power at all. Unless, of course, you pump it full of PEDs.

Washington Nationals


With their young ace healthy for almost a whole season last year, the Nationals hope that the rest of the team can improve as much as Stephen Strasburg has.

Texas Rangers


Nobody is more excited about playing MLB’s official Opening Night on Easter Sunday than the lineup of the Texas Rangers. The same cannot be said of their pitching staff or opponents, the Houston Astros.

Cincinnati Reds


Once again, the Cincinnati Reds are poised to stake their claim as a powerhouse in the National League. Maybe this really is their year, which is what fans and sports analysts have been saying for 8 years.

Atlanta Braves


Contrary to popular belief, Chipper Jones did not pull a Brett Favre with the Braves this season…yet.

San Francisco Giants


While the big news about the Giants leading into this season is that they let Brian Wilson fall into free agency, it should be remembered that yes, they are the reigning World Series champions.

New York Yankees


Every year, the Yankees have hosted their own Old Timers Day, as retired players came out of hiding to show how their skills have deteriorated over the years. The game has had so much success that, this year, Old Timers’ Day will be celebrated at least 162 days a year in New York.

Baltimore Orioles


While the rest of the AL East gets old and think about rebuilding, the Orioles already hold the hype card in Manny Machado, who is more than just a good name for a gigolo.

Oakland Athletics


The biggest story for the Athletics is Bartolo Colon. Literally. He is still double the size of any other pair of pitchers not named C.C. Sabathia, and seems to be doubling up the runs of any one pitcher.

Tampa Bay Rays


Another season, another hope for the Tampa Bay Rays, who seem to be correct about losing the “Devil” in their name. Unfortunately, the AL East’s mantle seems to have been passed to the Orioles while the Rays were sleeping.

Los Angeles Angels


Introducing baseball’s version of The Symbol Formerly Known as the Artist Formally Known As Prince: The Los Angeles Angels!…..of Anaheim.

St. Louis Cardinals


It’s amazing how the Cardinals thought they could replace Albert Pujols with a whole different team last year, but they did. And they won…enough.

Detroit Tigers


It’s been 45 years since we had a batting Triple Crown winner in baseball. Obviously, Miguel Cabrera should wear a pimped-out crown for the whole year to make sure we still care.

Chicago White Sox


Robin Ventura survives to manage another season. I guess he can’t be too at fault, considering his roster has more John Doe’s than a strip club.

Los Angeles Dodgers


Can someone please give Tommy Lasorda a steady job? Or at least make him want one?

Milwaukee Brewers


I’ve always respected the Brewers for having a name that is just plain awesome. The closest we have come to an awesome name like this is “The Beers” in Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s BASEketball.

Arizona Diamondbacks


Have no fear, Diamondbacks fans, Arizona resigned Paul Goldschmidt. Have no fear, rest of professional baseball, Arizona resigned Paul Goldschmidt.

Philadelphia Phillies


The Phillies are in the same place they were last year: high expectations slammed in the middle of a whole group of teams with high expectations. With Delmon Young injured already, those expectations may be taking a break, too.

Pittsburgh Pirates


If pirates ever sailed into Pittsburgh, they must have been really, really lost. Which makes sense considering their team is made up of Andrew McCutchen and not much else.

San Diego Padres


With a painful spring training, at least the Padres have a chance to organize themselves by playing a no-pressure season opener in New York against another broken team, the Mets.

Seattle Mariners


When your team’s hopes rest on the shoulders of a rookie 3rd-string 3rd baseman like Kyle Seager, you can expect a long, painful season.

Kansas City Royals


The good news? The Royals finally brought in a free agent instead of selling off their young talent. The bad news? It’s 38 year old Miguel Tejada.

Toronto Blue Jays


For all the ribbing the Blue Jays have given the Yankees over the years for writing binders full of checks for free agents, the Jays have clearly taken a page from their division rivals with this year’s off-season acquisitions that include R.A. Dickey, Mark Buehrle, Jose Reyes, and Melky Cabrera.

New York Mets


It wouldn’t be a normal season for the Mets without a season-ending injury to pitching ace Johan Santana. I’m sure we’re all glad that they didn’t make us wait.

Boston Red Sox


Unfortunately for the Red Sox, the only people (players, management, and fans included) with high hopes for their season is super-fan Curt Shilling.

Miami Marlins


For those of you who took my bet that the new Miami logo wouldn’t last more than 1 season, the check is in the mail.

Minnesota Twins


The most intriguing thing about the Twins this year is if they can get Mike Pelfrey to stop eating his hand on the mound, and get Ron Gardenhire to stop eating his hat every time his team plays the Yankees.

Cleveland Indians


It may be time for Hollywood to give us another Major League sequel. It’s not like Charlie Sheen has anything better to do.

Colorado Rockies


If you can name 3 players on the Colorado Rockies, the team may have a chance. No? How about 2?

Chicago Cubs


Year 105 seems inevitable. Maybe the Cubbies should get John Cusack into a uniform instead of just having him sing during the 7th inning stretch.

Houston Astros


Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt looked impressive during his batting practice with the Astros. Maybe he plans to become the next Deion Sanders.

About Author


Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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