Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-18-2013

| March 20, 2013 | 0 Comments

astrologistWell readers, I’m back. After going to Psychic School for a year (yes, it IS a thing), I have returned to do what I do best: tell you how to live your life, week to week, for the better. Or worse. Whatever I feel like, really.

So, here are this week’s horrible horoscopes!


 

 

Aries

ARIES

You are heading in the right direction…especially if the direction you are heading towards has fireworks and wild and wacky inflatable flailing arm people. These items spell “success” and “awesomeness.”

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

Take care of little things around the home today, like showering, eating, dishes, clearing out those rat carcasses from your bedroom. This will help you take care of larger things in the world. Or at least larger rats.

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

You need to figure out how to adapt to this new situation. You may not like it, but accepting the fact that a sanitarium opened up next to your home can only lead to peace of mind. Hopefully yours, and not just theirs.

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

What do you want to do today? It’s all about you, even if there are other demands on your time, so make sure that you’re focused on personal needs today. And not just masturbation.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

You have to maintain a pretty tight control over your emotions right now — things are getting crazy, but you know your sanity is rock-solid. Things are sure to settle down pretty soon. It can’t hurt to now be living in proximity to the Gemini above.

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

You need help, and so does someone else close to you. If you have multiple personality disorder, then you get to kill two birds with one stone.

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

Your flexible nature comes into play today. Especially if you’re my wife. Then your flexible nature should REALLY come into play today. In case you were wondering, no, I do not sculpt these horoscopes for my own ends.

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

It’s time to let go! Unless you are holding onto the side of a building for dear life 50 stories up. Then, hold on a little longer.

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

You and your partner (romantic or otherwise) are mismatched today. Luckily, it’s not Halloween, or else this mismatch could be a deal-breaker.

 

 

 

 


Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Someone near you lets loose with a stinging, blistering rebuke that may make you feel like fighting back, but stand down! You can do a lot more damage when they aren’t expecting retaliation.

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Today is all about physical fitness and improving your physical energy. That doesn’t mean that you have to immediately go do 10,000 reps at the gym. You should do them right where you are, right now. Even if you’re on a subway. People have done crazier things.

 

 


Pisces

PISCES

Let your emotions run rampant today. It’s hump day, and something exciting needs to happen.

 

 

 

 

Written by Moonbeam Crenshaw

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Category: Horrible Horoscopes, Interactive Owl

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