Well readers, I’m back. After going to Psychic School for a year (yes, it IS a thing), I have returned to do what I do best: tell you how to live your life, week to week, for the better. Or worse. Whatever I feel like, really.
So, here are this week’s horrible horoscopes!
You are heading in the right direction…especially if the direction you are heading towards has fireworks and wild and wacky inflatable flailing arm people. These items spell “success” and “awesomeness.”
Take care of little things around the home today, like showering, eating, dishes, clearing out those rat carcasses from your bedroom. This will help you take care of larger things in the world. Or at least larger rats.
You need to figure out how to adapt to this new situation. You may not like it, but accepting the fact that a sanitarium opened up next to your home can only lead to peace of mind. Hopefully yours, and not just theirs.
What do you want to do today? It’s all about you, even if there are other demands on your time, so make sure that you’re focused on personal needs today. And not just masturbation.
You have to maintain a pretty tight control over your emotions right now — things are getting crazy, but you know your sanity is rock-solid. Things are sure to settle down pretty soon. It can’t hurt to now be living in proximity to the Gemini above.
You need help, and so does someone else close to you. If you have multiple personality disorder, then you get to kill two birds with one stone.
Your flexible nature comes into play today. Especially if you’re my wife. Then your flexible nature should REALLY come into play today. In case you were wondering, no, I do not sculpt these horoscopes for my own ends.
It’s time to let go! Unless you are holding onto the side of a building for dear life 50 stories up. Then, hold on a little longer.
You and your partner (romantic or otherwise) are mismatched today. Luckily, it’s not Halloween, or else this mismatch could be a deal-breaker.
Someone near you lets loose with a stinging, blistering rebuke that may make you feel like fighting back, but stand down! You can do a lot more damage when they aren’t expecting retaliation.
Today is all about physical fitness and improving your physical energy. That doesn’t mean that you have to immediately go do 10,000 reps at the gym. You should do them right where you are, right now. Even if you’re on a subway. People have done crazier things.
Let your emotions run rampant today. It’s hump day, and something exciting needs to happen.