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Papal Possibilities for New Pope


new_popeVatican City: The stage is set for the successor of Pope Benedict XVI, as the 115 cardinals of the papal conclave met in Rome today to begin proceedings that will elect a new pope.

Who could be the next man, or woman, to don the pope hat? We have some ideas. These men and women have proven themselves worthy, in some way or another, of leading the Catholic Church into a new era of prosperity, whether the Catholic Church wants to go or not.

Hopefully, the cardinals have access to WiFi in order to see these hopeful candidates.

John Goodman


Why: John Goodman gave an Oscar-worthy performance as Ralph Jones, a Las Vegas pianist who becomes the sole heir to the throne of England, in King Ralph. He also had bouts with alcoholism, which would prove useful when drinking papal wine.

Why Not: Anyone linked to being the husband of Roseanne Barr, even as just a TV husband, could be mentally imbalanced. There is also the question as to what Goodman’s religious views are, although, chances are that this may mean that he is a self-loathing Catholic.

Robert Blake


Why: Robert Blake was born Michael James Vincenzo Gubitosi, which would help him fit in during walks around Rome. He also bears a resemblance to Pope Benedict XVI and, by default Star Wars Sith lord/ Emperor Palpatine.

Why Not: It is presumed that being implicated in a mortal sin like allegedly hiring someone to kill your wife could be a deal-breaker when pursuing a candidacy to become Pope.

Andrew McCarthy


Why: Andrew McCarthy’s grandmother wanted him to be a priest and then Pope for so long that it would make sense for him to pursue her wishes. Ok, it was his movie grandmother in Heaven Help Us, but it would still make a nice story to get him back into the limelight of show business. He was also kicked out of an ancient church in Ethiopia as a travel writer, which proves that he may still follow the faith.

Why Not: Andrew McCarthy was born in New Jersey, which may hinder the election process considering it would be hard to get even an American pope elected, much less someone from New Jersey.

Janet Reno

Why: As the US Attorney General from 1993-2001, Janet Reno knows how to fill a man’s shoes and scare anyone who would say otherwise. She has also never married, which validates her candidacy due to the Pope needing to take an oath of chastity.

Why Not: Apparently, the Pope must be a man, no matter how manly a woman may be perceived as.

Jon Stewart


Why: If the Catholic Church is looking for a way to bump its parishioner numbers, Jon Stewart would be the answer, as millions of viewers, young and not so young, watch The Daily Show as their daily infusion of current events.

Why Not: He’s Jewish, so it would be hard to see that working.


Did we leave any other amazing papal candidates out? Lets us know!

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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