Marco Rubio Pledges to be More Latino, Moist


Tallahassee, Florida: In a press conference today in his home state, Senator Marco Antonio Ricardo Carlos Velasquez Rubio announced that he was going “Full-Latino”, adding at the end of his statement, “chicos”.  The conference was held inside of a Cuban restaurant and press members were required to ask their questions in Spanish or at least Spanglish.  Rubio himself spoke with a heavy accent, wore a bright red guayabera shirt and smoked a large cigar with an American flag sticker on it.  He occasionally lapsed into Spanish, following his mix-up with a smile and a “Me falta, chico”.rubio_water

Whether Rubio actually spoke Spanish during those slip-ups is under some controversy, as many press members insist that Rubio was speaking Cuban Spanish, which is also under some controversy as being Spanish at all.

Rubio swore to the two Latino Republicans in the country, himself included, that his party is the best choice for them.  When pressed to explain why, Rubio grabbed a quick drink of water before explaining that Republicans have been behind a path to legal immigration the entire time.

“You see, Democrats aren’t really good at getting stuff done so it takes someone on the other side to really make them move.” He paused, finishing off another Poland Spring bottle. “It’s kind of like partidario del Diablo…oh, me falta chicos, Devil’s advocate.”

As mixtos and fritas were passed around along with tiny bottles of Poland Spring, questions began arising about the Republicans’ frequent references to electrified fences and deportation.  One press member brought up Hermann Cain’s quote about a proposed “death fence” to be put up on the border.

Rubio, after a few gulps from his Camelbak, was ready with an answer.  “Our party was going through a bit of a…you know, black phase.  Now, though, we’re Latino de verdad, sabes chico?”

Rubio’s comments are just part of the Republican party’s new focus on the Latino population in America.  Republicans have put forth a number of initiatives, such as allowing catering orders to include salsa and guacamole and learning the names of their housekeepers.  Some even attempted to speak Spanish to their constituents, but that effort came to an end when their constituents asked them politely to stop.

The GOP is considering even broader changes, with propositions being put forth to consider diversification of the language of their charter.  Namely, adding a bit more nuance to the repeated use of the word “Mexican”.  They have also considered ending the practice of starting and finishing party meetings with a recitation of “The White Man’s Burden” by Rudyard Kipling.

“It’s un mundo bravo y nuevo, aseres!” Rubio said, finishing the last of his Big Gulp. “The GOP’s more or less picked me as a leader.  And it’s not like they find a new one every month, right?”

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