Super Bowl XLVII Blackout Blamed on Terrorists, Beyoncé’s Dress

| February 5, 2013 | 0 Comments

New Orleans, LA: On Sunday, a nation of viewers tuned in to witness two things unable to hold a charge, one expected and one unexpected.  The expected power outage was the Baltimore Ravens in the second half. The unexpected one was the Superdome lighting.  Fans were forced to endure thirty minutes of sports commentators explaining the importance of scoring points during a competitive sporting event while a small but apparently pivotal portion of the stadium went black.  Nerds tuned out for lack of commercials and women tuned out for lack of Beyoncé.  Luckily, the scoreboard still retained power, allowing 49er fans time to contemplate the Ravens’ 22-point lead.superbowl_bane

“It’s the worst tragedy to ever happen in New Orleans,” Mayor Mitch Landrieu said, shaking his head sadly. “The worst.”

The delay, which pushed the length of the game past the usual degree of interminable into the realm of forcing near-strangers to either talk to each other or fill their mouths with lukewarm chicken wings, required explanations.  Stadium staff blamed the power outage on “abnormalities” in the stadium.  Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was unavailable for comment.

A number of officials have suggested the possibility of a terrorist plot.  The suggestion was picked up by several prominent Republicans, who claim that Al Qaeda chose to attack during the Super Bowl as a threat to the American way.

“Overpriced snacks, overpaid athletes and 5-minute commercials about how much God loves farmers,” said Senator Greyton McClinty. “What’s more American than that?”

Outspoken foreign affairs critic John McCain shook his jowls and said, “It’s Benghazi all over again!”

Conservative stuff-shirt Rush Limbaugh blamed the potential terrorist plot on the depiction of super-villain Bane blowing up a football stadium in The Dark Knight Rises.

Another threat to national security has also been cited as the potential cause of the outage: Beyoncé’s halftime show outfit.  For a half hour, Beyoncé and her twin threats to American marital values took the stage in a display that demonstrated exactly why women do not number among Jay-Z’s 99 problems.  Beyoncé’s show was so powerful it brought back two celebrities’ careers from the dead.  A number of scientists have suggested the possibility that Beyoncé’s attractiveness gained magnetic capabilities and literally shorted the Superdome’s fuses.  Some of these specialists insist that, for science’s sake, they be allowed to study Beyoncé more closely.

Another explanation has gained enough attention to warrant review from US News; that is, the possibility the outage was due to a voodoo curse.  US News sent its special investigative unit to the priestess who blessed the stadium before the game, Miriam Chamani, to ask her whether a curse might have been responsible.

Reportedly she looked at the reporters and said, “No, just too many people using power,” adding, “What are you, stupid?”

Written by Ben Batorsky

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Category: Politics, Sports

%d bloggers like this: