Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The road to Super Bowl XLVII is littered with ridiculousness, and now we are at the gateway to see which two teams in the NFL were the least hilarious by actually winning. Now we are at a real game, Super Bowl XLVII aka the HarBaughl, or Har Bowl, or Super Baugh, or whatever else you may think of, as John Harbaugh and the Baltimore Ravens take on Jim Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers after only communicating via text message for almost 2 weeks.
Sunday, February 3rd, 2013
Baltimore Ravens @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 4
After the fallout from my last commentary where I suggested our Editor was threatening me with drawings of animal boners, he’s given me orders to act like a true Brit and resort to nothing other than cheap innuendo, smut, and double entendres. So, with everything coming to a climax and the big end in sight, it’s time for me to raise things up, get a firm grip and see how much of my output you’ll end up swallowing. One thing I do know is that I’m voting for the 49ers in this game, partly because they sound older than me, but mostly because next year they won’t. With that in mind and the summer ahead, I’m also going to invent a device that takes me back to the 1930’s. It’s called Debt. Quite apart from all that, I like the idea of a TV series, Birds Vs Humans (Of various ages). You could have Ravens Vs 49ers, Vultures Vs Octogenarians, Cocks Vs Teenagers and A Small Duck Vs a Baby. I’d watch that.
There is a nationwide wing shortage. I have no reason to live. What is the Super Bowl without wings? It’s just a game between two teams I don’t care about, featuring two over-the-hill attention whores (Ray Lewis and Randy Moss) seeking Super Bowl rings. The halftime show features a singer who will be performing live and has been practicing for weeks, but couldn’t be bothered to rehearse and sing live for the National Anthem at the inauguration of the FREAKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. There will be commercials about beer I don’t drink, cars I don’t drive, and Danica Patrick not as naked as she needs to be. Look for the two teams to play hard, and for one of them to win. If you’ll excuse me, I need to start drinking now.
The Super Bro. The Harbrowl. Etc. As usual, storylines abound. Brothers coaching against each other; Ray Lewis ending his increasingly annoying career; stoic QB vs. new wunderkind; remembering the controversial Art Modell; rekindling the glory days of Eddie DeBartolo Jr. and, oh yeah, a football game while we’re at it.
This really should be a good game. At first I, like many, was giving the 49ers a clear advantage in this game, and for good reason. Colin Kaepernick is a dynamic QB who can run and pass; they have a solid running game with Frank Gore; they have a very good offensive line; they have an aggressive defense. In fact they look a lot like the Ravens, dynamic QB notwithstanding. But Flacco has been nothing if not impressive in the postseason, posting better numbers than first ballot HOF candidates Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. I see this continuing on Sunday. I don’t necessarily think the stage is too big for Kaepernick, but I am certain it’s not too big for Flacco. His nickname should be Joey Ice, not that imposter in Atlanta. But it’s an evenly matched game that should come down to the proverbial key mistake or turnover. And if it comes down to a kick, well, David Akers hasn’t exactly been Mr. Reliable.
Evil Peyton Manning:
After surviving the New England Cobra Kai, the Ravens seem to be a team of destiny, and not just because the latest NFL drinking game is to take a shot any time a sports reporter says “Ray Lewis.” Yes, we all know Ray Lew is retiring after this season and nothing would make a story-line better than for Ray to leave with a Super Bowl ring. The logical thing would be to cast Lewis right into television. He’s already doing great in Madden commercials next to Paul Rudd. How about getting him involved in this new season of Arrested Development? At the very least, a role in the show will make use his Raven Dance. It wasn’t until Joe Flacco opened his mouth about a Super Bowl game in an out-door northern stadium that everyone that wasn’t a 49ers fan was rooting for the Ravens.
Meanwhile, the 49ers are poised to win another Super Bowl in the wreckage of a quarterback controversy. With Alex Smith playing a Joe Montana who hasn’t won a Championship game, Colin Kaepernick playing a tattooed Steve Young, and Jim Harbaugh playing a young George Seifert, The 49ers continue a tradition of confusion that usually leads to wins.
The game itself looks to be gritty, as both teams have good defenses, particularly against each others’ offensive game plans. Who are the Ravens if not a defensive-minded AFC Falcons team? Who are the 49ers if not a defensive-minded…well, the AFC really doesn’t have a team like the 49ers, but the Ravens beat the Patriots, and everyone knows beating the Patriots is akin to winning the Super Bowl itself.
Rob Wheatley: 133-133
Steve Elle: 133-133
Darby Shaw: 131-135
Evil Peyton Manning: 129-137