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Opponents to Women in Military Insist They’re Not Misogynists


All across the country, people have been reacting to Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s announcement last week that officially rescinded the rule banning women from serving in combat positions.  This decision came about due to an issue with the rule, namely that no one was following it.  However, military protocol when dealing with an internal problem is to systematically ignore it until it goes away or has sex with its biographer.  Many hailed the change as a rare example of military leadership demonstrating common sense.

U.S. Army photo by Spc. Charles W. Gill

U.S. Army photo by Spc. Charles W. Gill

But others have been vocal in opposing this decision for reasons they insist have nothing to do with them being white males who’ve never served in the military.  For example, Rep. Tom Cotton of Arkansas, a state well-known for its progressive stances on social issues, voiced concerns about women’s physical fitness.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate all women have done.  I could never make a ham like my wife,” stated Cotton in a press conference. “But study after study has shown that, you know. I don’t know any of the specific studies, but they’re out there, I think.”

In this, Rep. Cotton was echoing the sentiments expressed by former presidential candidate and long-time Google Image Search favorite, Rick Santorum.  Santorum, during the 2012 campaign, expressed concerns about women’s emotions making them unable to carry out their duties.

“The point of a military is to be a group of cold-eyed killing machines.  I think.  I’ve never been in the military, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to run it,” Santorum said during a campaign speech. “It’s nothing against women, they’ve achieved great things.  Have you tried Tom Cotton’s wife’s ham?”

Others are concerned that giving more military benefits to women will be an economic drain on the military through maternity leave and other payments that do not in the slightest insinuate that women are uncontrollable baby-making machines.  This is a particularly serious issue because the newest hypersonic cruise missile was just put out on the market and Yemen’s totally been asking for it.

Another concern that has been revisited by a number of people who do not know how to keep their mouths shut is that increasing women in the military will increase the incidents of rape.  Part-time commentator at Fox News and full-time reptile Liz Trotta claimed that the number of women in the military has increased along with the number of rapes in the military.  She then demonstrated the scientific robustness of this technique by appearing on TV several more times after these comments, which corresponded precisely to an increasing urge among viewers to slap her across the face.

Then there were comments like those by Tucker Carlson, long-time conservative newscaster and part-time ever being relevant, who tweeted, “Feminism’s latest victory: the right to get your limbs blown off in war. Congratulations.”  He quickly followed that up with, “Not that I’m against feminism, it’s done great things. Tom’s wife makes a killer ham.”

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