New York, NY: With the swirling blizzard bringing the city of New York to a skidding halt, travel is sure to be an issue in Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs. Many residents are complaining about the lack of effort by the city’s public works to clear out snow that has accumulated in streets, on sidewalks, and even inside some people’s homes.

Much of the angst has been aimed at Mayor Michael Bloomberg, causing him to act swiftly to fix the post-snow transportation problems. The answer: more pedestrian rest stops, rope-tows, and cross-country skiing lanes throughout the metropolitan area.

“The general public is annoyed that their commute has been hindered by the snow accumulation from the past weekend,” stated Mayor Bloomberg. “Well, fuck ’em. I’ve been pushing for mass transportation use and more environmentally-sound modes of travel since I took office. But did any of you listen and use the bike lanes and lawn furniture? Noooo, you pissed and moaned about commuter rights. Now look at you.”

The focus of Mayor Bloomberg’s new plan is, once again, communal-sufficiency as opposed to individual self-reliance. “All plowing and salting and sanding does is allow the singular commuter access to his or her car. Who needs it? We have some of the greatest public transportation vehicles within a 5-block radius,” explained Mayor Bloomberg. “Instead, why not just leave the snow. Then everyone can buy a set of cross-country skis, leave a couple of extra Versace suits at the office, and push themselves around without a care in the world. And if you can’t push yourself, do what I do and hire a gang of bodyguards to push you around. Really, what’s the problem here?”

To keep with the spirit of changing New York City into a metropolitan ski resort, Bloomberg is drafting a bill to dump more benches and other bits of lawn furniture. It is believed that there will be at least 3 benches and 5 umbrella-covered tables per block side. While the replacement of bus service may not be an option, there are plans to replace some routes with rope-tows, which will not only be more eco-friendly, but would also nullify the need for a travel timetable.

No New Yorkers but Mayor Bloomberg were available for comment, as they were still trying to dig themselves back to civilization.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.