Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
Darby Shaw has risen to the top of the leader-board, and everyone else is finally above .500 going into Week 12.
Thursday, November 22nd, 2012
Houston Texans @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Texans by 3
This is easy: it’s Thanksgiving, so the Lions lose. Oh yeah, they’ll play the game, sure, but the Texans are a better team both on paper and on grass. The Lions are a better team in July during training camp. As we’re pushing through November the Texans have the edge. Plus their stud WR is healthier than the Lions. Nuff said.
Rob Wheatley: Lions-WIN
Darby Shaw: Texans-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Texans-LOSS
Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
America’s infatuation with the Dallas Cowboys has finally begun to annoy me. It’s not the team, or Tony Romo, or Jerry Jones, or even the fact that their stadium has a television screen that’s bigger than my house. What annoys me is, after watching the 1pm game on Sunday, that I was put through the pain of watching the Cowboys all but give away a game to the Browns in over-time. Luckily, the Browns don’t know how to win too well and promptly gave the game back to the Cowboys. I was watching this mess while Philip Rivers and Peyton Manning went to war and Andrew Luck drove down the field against the Patriots for those first few minutes where it looked to be a tight game. Now the Cowboys are going to keep me from my turkey because they had to have a midday game on Thanksgiving.
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Redskins-WIN
Steve Elle: Cowboys-LOSS
New England Patriots @ New York Jets
LINE: Patriots by 7
Okay kids, story time. In days long past, it was written “Do not screw with the football gods, for they are angry and vengeful.” Yet in his hubris, the leader of the Patriots of New England, Bill Belichick, did give the football gods the middle finger by throwing late in the game with a mighty lead. And verily it came to pass that the football gods smote The Gronk, sundering his forearm in twain. And though his muscles were great, his brains were small; thus The Gronk said “Huh?” and spiked the ball into his own nutsack. Because The Gronk was so stupid, the football gods took pity on the Patriots and offered them a feast in the form of the New Jersey Middle School All-Stars as their next opponent, saying, “Strike down the one called Tebow, for he believes in some old bearded white guy and not us.” And he was struck down, and it was good.
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-LOSS
Sunday, November 25th, 2012
Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears
Evil Peyton Manning:
Finally, after 3-1/2 seasons of high expectations and broken dreams, the Chicago Bears know who isn’t the problem on their team: Jay Cutler. Yes, he has an antagonistic attitude. Yes, his mobility is a little slow. Yes, he has millions of dollars. Yes, he has a hot baby mamma in Kristin Cavallari that we now know about after her guest appearance on The League. What doesn’t he have? Blocking, and yet he still manages to win, something Jason Campbell couldn’t pull off. Look to see Cutler take one more week off instead of getting knocked down for 60 minutes straight by Jared Allen.
Rob Wheatley: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Vikings-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bears-WIN
Oakland Raiders @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals by 10
So, this is the game that Ohio is going to get to see on TV. Because what’s most important to us is watching the third-best team in a three-team division face off against the third-best team in another three-team division led by their former quarterback who is sporting the ugliest mustache in the NFL right now. The Bengals are in the midst of a “hey, let’s get some wins against some shitty teams and build up playoff hype before the Steelers and Ravens hand our asses to us at the end of the season” run; meanwhile, the Raiders are presumably looking for a new head coach among the rank of unproven candidates in college. The best result anyone can hope for is that the NFL decides to black this game out.
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN
Steve Elle: Bengals-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-LOSS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns
Evil Peyton Manning:
This match-up is one for the ages, as long as the Steelers stay focused. I’m not talking about the actual game against the Cleveland Browns. I’m talking about the battle of the ugliest football uniforms known to man. If the Steelers once again grace us with those yellow and black-striped bumblebee felon jerseys that only saw the light of day for one season back in 1934, we will have a battle of the worst old uniform with the Steelers versus the worst new uniform with the Browns. Old versus new! Yellow and black versus orange and brown! Whoever wins, fashion-sense loses.
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Steelers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Steelers-LOSS
Buffalo Bills @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts by 3
Darby Shaw: Colts-WIN
Steve Elle: Bills-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-WIN
Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Broncos by 11
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Peyton Manning Experiment is alive and well in Denver, with many believing that the team can make it to the Super Bowl. The big story about this game, however, is still the Chiefs quarterback controversy. Last week, Romeo Crennel decided to go back to pre-season form by playing Cassel in the first half and Quinn in the second half. Apparently, Cassel won this battle, as the Chiefs scored two whole field goals with him under center. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: put in Ricky Stanzi at quarterback. What do the Chiefs have to lose, the #1 draft pick? Maybe Chief’s fan Loren G. “Sam” Lickteig would still be alive today if Stanzi was playing.
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Broncos-LOSS
Steve Elle: Broncos-LOSS
Seattle Seahawks @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Seahawks by 3
Darby Shaw: Seahawks-LOSS
Steve Elle: Dolphins-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Dolphins-WIN
Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Falcons by 1
Darby Shaw: Falcons-LOSS
Steve Elle: Buccaneers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS
Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Titans by 3
Dear editor: I’m not sure what I did to deserve having to talk about this game. Did I kick your dog while I was drunk? Sleep with your mom while I was drunk? Run over a bunch of orphans while driving drunk to work? I mean, seriously. Two teams. Two under-performing star running backs. Four uninspiring quarterbacks. Two Swiss cheese defenses. A game that, by all rights, should simply be forfeited by both teams, their fans, and the league. And the Jags might, just might, be a horrendous enough to team to steal the first pick in next year’s draft from my Chiefs. This is a total dick move. I quit.
Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-WIN
Steve Elle: Jaguars-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-LOSS
Baltimore Ravens @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Ravens by 1
This is easy, it’s Sunday so the Chargers lose. Unless they’re playing at home (check); and Philip Rivers is healthy (check); and Norv Turner is about to get fired (check). Just kidding, they’ll still lose. Unless they win, which I don’t think they will. Because the Ravens are AWEsome. Sometimes.
Rob Wheatley: Chargers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Ravens-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-WIN
San Francisco 49ers @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: 49ers by 1
This is hard. My heart says to pick the Niners. And my gut says to pick the Niners. Hmm, I guess it’s actually easy. I will pick the Niners. Plus I hate the Saints almost as much as the Jets. Speaking of, quick quiz: how good would the Saints be with Mark Sanchez at QB? Would they EVER win even one game? Just some food for thought. Talk amongst yourselves.
Rob Wheatley: Saints-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Saints-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN
St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals by 1
Darby Shaw: Rams-WIN
Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-LOSS
Green Bay Packers @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 3
During their bye week, the Giants held a “players-only meeting,” or as it’s known as in the NFL, “oh, fuck me, we have to DO something here to earn our ridiculous salaries meeting.” After Aspberger Eli and his teammates dropped a deuce against two AFC North teams, they realized that they were facing the Packers, who are chewing up opponents like kielbasa and spitting them out like… well, people in Wisconsin don’t spit, but you get the point. Aaron Rodgers is putting up Tecmo Bowl-style numbers lately, as well as putting on commercial endorsement performances that put either Manning brother to shame. If the Giants don’t turn things around, they may give up their seat atop the NFC East to… oh, wait. Never mind. The entire NFC East is acting like the division championship is herpes-laden syphilis.
Rob Wheatley: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-LOSS
Monday, November 26th, 2012
Carolina Panthers @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 1
Wow, this one really is hard. Mainly because I don’t know the result yet. Ha-ha – that was a joke. For those uninformed please ask the editor.
But seriously, I think the Eagles are discombobulated. And before you think me a genius, most other pundits also believe this. But the Panthers have more upside. I’m taking the Panthers in this one. Even though Scam Newton isn’t nearly as good as his Madden character.
Rob Wheatley: Eagles-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Panthers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Panthers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 92-83
Steve Elle: 91-84
Darby Shaw: 89-86
Evil Peyton Manning: 85-90