Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 10!
Thursday, November 9th, 2012
Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Colts by 3
Upset, anyone? Notice my well placed comma. The Jags are upset. Not only do they suck, but without the benefit of Romney in the White House, their new owner Shad Khan, he of the Rollie Fingers inspired mustache, will now have to pay a couple more rupees per year as his fair share. So yeah, pissed he is. But the Colts, who have won largely on Chuckstrong inspired play, are ripe for a letdown. In addition to the short week, they are also down one CB. And while Blaine Gabbert is a middling QB at best, at home I think the Jags may find a way. Of course this is probably wishful thinking and I’m just trying to justify this upset pick, but that’s the way it goes.
Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN
Darby Shaw: Colts-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-WIN
Sunday, November 11th, 2012
New York Giants @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Giants by 4
Right now, the Giants are wishing for the good old days when Michael Strahan was embarrassing opposing quarterbacks, rather than embarrassing himself by voluntarily being on TV with Kelly Ripa. At least when washed-up athletes go on “Dancing with the Stars,” they’re only making a fool of themselves once a week. Strahan looks like the biggest idiot of a former football player since… well, Terry Bradshaw. This week, though, the Giants defense should be up for the challenge of beating soulless ginger Andy Dalton and the Bengals, who are once again under-performing under the pressure of the “No, seriously, they’re good!” hype.
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-LOSS
Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins by 6
The Dolphins favored at home? This must mean they’re playing one of the worst teams in the league. Yes, we’re not yet to the point where the Dolphins would be favored at home over a good team. So what does this say about the Titans? Well, they are apparently not that titanic. They have QB woes, general offense woes, defense woes, but aside from all that they’re a good team. Unfortunately this means the cheerleaders are swell and the admin staff is very professional. As for the Dolphins, they can further legitimize themselves with a win.
Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Titans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Dolphins-LOSS
Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Lions by 1
In the North of England, (and this is true) there’s a tradition known as ‘Ferret Legging’. This is where Ferrets are stuffed down the front of a man’s trousers and….well, that’s it, nobody really knows why, but it does seem to raise a smile in what is otherwise a miserable existence. To the Vikings, however, this would have seemed like small beer, for they had their own tradition called ‘Lion Trousers’. The Viking would stand with his arms held horizontally at shoulder height, while his belt was loosened and his waistband pulled out, then one by one, a family of Lions was shoved into the void. Despite much gnawing, clawing, and growling, the Warrior was obliged to remain silent without flinching or facial grimacing. One particular Viking, Nargo The Fearless, got so proficient at this that the crowd would soon become bored , so to spice things up, a variety of other animals were than added. Wildebeest, Zebras, Gazelles, all apparently had their turn in the overcrowded crotch region and bets were place to see who survived. Nargo never flinched, not even once, even during the animals’ mating seasons. However, legend has it that an accident did happen on one particularly drunken occasion and when the animals were finally removed, it seems that a part of Nargo had also gone missing. From that day, he was known as Nargo The Nutless. It didn’t stop him trying this again and again. but from that day onwards,he DID have to ride his horse with a special saddle.
Darby Shaw: Vikings-WIN
Steve Elle: Vikings-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS
Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 11
Dear Bill Belichick: Seriously? You were an international ambassador last week, spreading goodwill and NFL cheer in the land of Bangers & Mash. I’m not saying you have to wear a suit and tie–even though that’s what the Premiere League coaches do. But maybe, just maybe, you don’t do the “ratty sweatshirt and knit cap” look. YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING HOBO. YOU ARE AN NFL COACH. DRESS LIKE ONE. (Seriously… I think Vince Lombardi would whip Bill’s ass, if he were still alive.) In the meantime, if I were Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, I’d make sure to invest this year’s paychecks wisely, because at the rate things are going, he won’t see the next year of that fat contract he signed. Considering how the two teams played their respective games last week, there’s no spread big enough for this game. I wouldn’t bet against the Patriots for anything. (Which means the Bills will probably cover.)
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS
Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bills-WIN
Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Falcons by 3
The team from Atlanta wasn’t always known as the Falcons. According to a little known piece of NFL history I just made up, they used to be called The Atlanta Flagons and were made up from a bunch of itinerant drunks who’d stumbled into the game by accident on the way home from a heavy weekend. Their most famous player, Scotch Beerman, holds the NFL record for the longest run in the history of the game. It was measured at a total of some 480 yards but somehow he still managed to end up in his own half, and that was despite starting his run only 5 yards from the opposing goal line. The greatest throw from this team was estimated to be in the region of 40 feet, which may not sound a lot, until you realize this is actually a measure of a stream of projectile vomit, made by their player ‘Guts’ O’Halloran. The team’s first game unfortunately was also their last as none of the players could ever remember where they were meant to be playing next , and anyway, the man in charge of the locker-rooms, Jack Schidt, had sold the players trousers for a case of Jim Beam .
Darby Shaw: Saints-WIN
Steve Elle: Saints-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN
San Diego Chargers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Buccaneers by 3
This is a tricky game for the Bucs. First, they’re favored, which is foreign territory. Second, they’re at home where the home field advantage is negligible at best. Third, they’re playing a west coast team at 1PM on the east coast. All these factors generally lead to victories, hence the Bucs being favored. On the other hand they’ve proven that they can move the ball and score on anyone. And the Chargers don’t scare many teams. And Bucs coach Greg Schiano could almost certainly beat Norv Turner in a fight.
Rob Wheatley: Chargers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Chargers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-LOSS
Denver Broncos @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Broncos by 4
Just as I was about to write this, the Ohio vote came through on my gas-powered BBC radio here in England-land. So I’m not going to take the piss out of your game of NFL, or it’s ludicrously complicated rules and stupid overprotective clothing, and old men with clipboards and dudes in animal-mascot suits with massive heads, or the world proliferation of McDonalds and the Kardashians. No, I’m going to celebrate the ’57 Chevy, and Elvis, and Clint Eastwood films, and blue jeans and Fender guitars, and the iPad, and John Lee Hooker, Jack Daniels, Marlboro cigarettes, Hunter S.Thompson, and Cali Mist, and George Carlin, and my American internet buddies who are some of the nicest people I’ve ever virtually met…and the fact you didn’t elect the only man on the planet who could make Gee Dubya look like an intellectual. America, I salute you. (Don’t worry, normal service will be resumed next week, and I promise to be back to my horrible grumpy cynical self).
Darby Shaw: Broncos-WIN
Steve Elle: Broncos-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-WIN
Oakland Raiders @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 8
The Raiders, who just gave a valiant (though failing) effort against the Bucs, now travel to the beautiful city of Baltimore to take on the neutered Ravens. And while the Raiders couldn’t have picked a better time to play the Ravens, the Raiders are just the tonic the Ravens need. Watching last week’s Raiders/Bucs game I was taken aback at how much Raiders coach Dennis Allen (?) resembled the accountant that sits across from me at work. The same with Joe Philbin of the Dolphins. Back in the day a football coach looked like a football coach. Today? Not so much. So by virtue of the fact that John Harbaugh looks like a football coach and Allen does not I am picking the Ravens.
Rob Wheatley: Raiders-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Ravens-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-LOSS
New York Jets @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Seahawks by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
Seattle has been a dead zone for visiting teams almost every year. Unfortunately for them, most of their own away games have fallen in dead zones, too, but they’re playing at home so they should be OK. The Jets, however, have one thing that the other teams visiting Seattle didn’t have: a jet on their logo, which has never been known to fight off jet-lag. To say that this fact could actually decide a game of football would sound awkward and ridiculous, but that’s just how the Jets have been this season: awkward and ridiculous.
Rob Wheatley: Jets-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jets-LOSS
Steve Elle: Seahawks-WIN
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Cowboys by 1
Last week, Bob Costas asked a real-life, big-boy-reporter question of Jerry Jones: whether Jones the owner would have fired Jones the GM, if they weren’t, y’know, the same person. Unsurprisingly, Jones said, “Yes,” missing the obvious irony that he COULD, in fact, fire himself as GM and hire somebody who doesn’t have his head up his own rich ass. But not to be outdone, the brain-trust within the Eagles organization has decided not to fire the asshat under center. Michael Vick, despite making more turnovers than a pastry shop (BOOM, NAILED THAT JOKE!), will remain at the helm of the hapless Eagles offense. Expect the quarterback ineptitude in this game to reach epic proportions.
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-WIN
Steve Elle: Cowboys-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-WIN
St. Louis Rams @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 11
Evil Peyton Manning:
It’s been two weeks, but the Rams should have fully recuperated from the jet-lag they had after being thumped by the Patriots, ironically, in London. Maybe irony would be better if it were the Lions instead of the Rams, but I play with what I have, just like the Rams. The 49ers had a bye week, too, but really, how do you take a break from San Francisco? Do you fly to the East coast to hang out in a hurricane? Go up to the Yukon and ice-skate for 50 miles?
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Rams-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-LOSS
Houston Texans @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 1
Evil Peyton Manning:
7-1 is a great record. Coincidentally, both teams in this match-up have that record. That may seem like a must-see game, but look at the teams that each of these teams played to get here. The Texans beat teams like the Dolphins, Ravens, and Broncos. The Bears beat a line of college teams and a flag football beer league team. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will decide whether this is a must-see game, or must turn off by halftime.
Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Texans-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Monday, November 12th, 2012
Kansas City Chiefs @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 12
Okay, now the Inept Editor is just being an ass. Let’s see… the team that still hasn’t led a game all season long, versus the team that has kicked into “No f***ing way” mode. Last week, Romeo Crennel managed to out-suck Norv Turner, the guy who basically invented being a bad coach. However, his team has perfected the art of scoring meaningless touchdowns late in the game. Oh, and also kicking field goals while their opponent racks up touchdowns. Meanwhile, the Steelers are signing guys off the street to play o-line and running back, and somehow they’re still getting it done. They’ve got a cornerback who gave up 87 yards of penalties in two plays, they had referees who apparently felt bad about New York getting shit upon by Sandy and decided to give them every break, and yet the Men of Steel were like, “Naw, we got this.” Even Ike Taylor can look like a Pro Bowler against the Chiefs, this week.
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Steelers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 76-69
Steve Elle: 74-71
Darby Shaw: 74-71
Evil Peyton Manning: 70-75