Washington, DC: As of today, the election committee has called the 2012 race for Mitt Romney.  After almost two years of dramatic, news-catching struggle, America finally has a new president.  All across nursing homes, homesteads and all of Romney’s houses, unlicensed guns are being fired and hundred-dollar bills are being used to light cigars made out of redwoods and pipes made out of ivory.

The Democratic camp has taken the loss hard, calling for investigations into some of the more blatant violation of voters’ rights.  Their intention was to investigate all of them, but they just cropped up so quickly and there were debates to lose.  Some Congress members have threatened to resign in protest but, in keeping with Democratic tradition, no one’s actually done anything.

Republicans, on the other hand, have been hard at work, presenting massive stacks of legislation in all stages of decay.  One particularly yellowed text refers to Congress as “Congrefs” and calls for an end to the quartering of Redcoats in the homes of “colonials”.  The others are more anachronistic, calling for an end to women’s rights, worker’s rights and any rights not otherwise reserved for corporations.

Obama himself was unavailable for comment.  According to friends and family members with him watching the results came in, as soon as the race was called, Obama let out a whoop, flung his cup in the air and said, “Fuck it!” He then jumped out the window and disappeared into downtown DC.  Reports indicate the last time he was seen he was on top of a DC metro bus with a bottle of Patron and a .44 Magnum screaming something about executive privilege.

Romney has greeted the decision much more calmly.  According to reports, he leaned forward, tapped his fingertips together and muttered “Excellent.”