Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 9!
Thursday, November 1st, 2012
Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Chargers by 9
Congratulations to Kansas City, who has managed the impressive feat of not leading for a single moment of any of their first seven games. They’ve lost in low-scoring defensive battles, and they’ve been blown out by high-powered offensive efforts. Hell, they’ve even won a game in overtime. They’re like a guy who goes into a strip club with a stack of hundred dollar bills and yet only comes out with a case of blue balls and a sneaking suspicion that at least one of their lap-dances actually came from a man. In their game against Oakland, their leading rusher was a quarterback who didn’t even start the game–and their third-leading rusher was the QB who did start the game. Any time two immobile quarterbacks are at the top of your ground yardage gainers, you’re in for quite the shit-show. Meanwhile, the Chargers put up an equally painful performance against the lowly Browns, losing a 7-6 snooze fest wherein the highlight was a scraggly caterpillar nesting on Philip Rivers’ upper lip during the game. Wait, what? That was a mustache? Seriously? People still do that?
Rob Wheatley: Chargers-WIN
Steve Elle: Chargers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-WIN
Sunday, November 4th, 2012
Denver Broncos @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Broncos by 4
Peyton Manning seems to be all the way back now. Andy Dalton seems to be in the throes of a mild sophomore slump. You do the math. Okay, it’s in Cincinnati, but this is close to Indianapolis where Manning still has about 10 million fans. I am pretty sure some of these fans contributed to the sellout. So again, do the math. But wait, what about the running game? Cedric Benson is a pretty good runner. Yes, true, but he’s on the Packers now and furthermore, he’s on IR. Name the Bengals starting RB. You have two seconds. Okay, you fail. On the other hand, Willis McGahee is having another good year. You do the math. Use a calculator if needed.
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Broncos-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-WIN
Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Ravens by 4
This match-up might seem innocent at first, but according to the latest conspiracy theory I just dreamed up, it contains a coded message about the world economic crisis and the intense money trading that goes on by those in the know. For a start, it appears that Bruce Wayne himself has finally accepted the Euro as the currency of Italy, the very country that built his famous Lamborghini Aventador, which must be a bonus for someone of his wealth. Imagine trying to keep track of how much money he owned if he was counting in the old Italian currency, given that 1 US dollar used to be equivalent of about 145000 of the Italian notes. It also seems that the Swedish have got in the act, finalizing plans to give the Cleveland Browns their very own currency as a way of making the locals feel better about the disparity between wages and the cost of living in the world today. How do I know this ? Because Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns are anagrams of Batman Over Lires, and Sven New CB Dollar, that’s how ! Those Illuminati will have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on me .
Darby Shaw: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: Ravens-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-WIN
Arizona Cardinals @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 11
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Cardinals have slowly come back to reality, losing handily to teams that they are supposed to lose to. Now they meet up with a Packers team that has finally begun winning against teams that they are supposed to beat ever since Aaron Rodgers decided that he didn’t want to make winning look too easy.
Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-WIN
Chicago Bears @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Bears by 4
Words are funny old things, ain’t they? They can make you laugh, (well, I’m trying), or they can make you cry, (I managed that once by hitting my brother over the head with a dictionary), and sometimes they can be mixed up and joined together in all sorts of ways, some of which are less socially acceptable than others. Take the word ‘Bears’ for example; I mean, it’s perfectly acceptable to talk about having forebears, or a Bearskin hat, but for some reason, it’s not acceptable to walk around with a foreskin hat. I wish the bloke in the shop had told me that before I parted with my cash. They say that English is one of the hardest languages to learn, which is odd, because I learned to speak it by the time I was about three years old and haven’t shut up since. I wish I could say the same about American Football. After three years of commentating on the NFL, I still haven’t got a clue what’s going on.
Darby Shaw: Titans-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bears-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-WIN
Miami Dolphins @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Dolphins by 3
I’m really not sure why the Dolphins are favored here. Yeah, I think they’ll win, but I’m a homer so that’s no logical reason (for example, it would have been illogical last week to think the lowly Jets could beat the Dolphins, but I digress). Both teams have rookie QB’s; both teams have rookie coaches; between both teams there’s only one WR anyone’s heard of; etc. The Dolphins do have a better defense, which should give them an edge against the rookie Luck. But you never know, he might get…Lucky. Ha-ha, that was a joke.
Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN
Darby Shaw: Colts-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-WIN
Carolina Panthers @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Redskins by 3
You have to feel bad for the Redskins. For once, the un-politically-correctly-named team was the less offensive team on the field, as the Steelers sported throwback jerseys that made them look like the little girl in the Blind Melon “No Rain” music video. Redskins wideouts dropped ten passes in the game. Ten. As in double digits. As in “Pee Wee football players can do better.” Pittsburgh third-string RB Johnathan Dwyer continued to draw unimaginative comparisons to Jerome Bettis from the announcers, because all fat, slow running backs look alike. The Panthers managed to find a new and inventive way to lose, dropping a game to perennial choke artist Jay Cutler’s Bears, who, according to WR Brandon Daniels, actually smiled during the game, which marks the first time in Cutler’s career that he was seen without a pouty face. Look for the Redskins to rebound against the hapless Panthers and get back into the thick of the mediocrity that is the NFC East.
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS
Steve Elle: Redskins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-LOSS
Detroit Lions @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Lions by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Lions win! Sure, I should have used that line more than 3 times this season, but Matthew Stafford and the rest of the crew in Detroit must not have gotten the memo. Now they play another must/should win game against a Jaguars team that, if Patriots owner Bob Kraft had his way, would be shipped to London next year.
Rob Wheatley: Lions-WIN
Darby Shaw: Jaguars-LOSS
Steve Elle: Lions-WIN
Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 10
“Bills Bills Bill”s is a famous song by Destiny’s Child, featuring their main girl , Bouncy Nodules. The song goes on about a load of stuff (probably) before Bouncy does that wobbly thing with her voice that sounds like she’s holding onto a pneumatic drill while suffering a stomach complaint. It was all very original the first time out, but soon, every female singer on the planet was copying it, apart from Jennifer Lopez who couldn’t sing if her life depended on it, but luckily for her it didn’t, and anyway she was in that total arse of a film Gigli, where she even managed to make Ben Affleck look good, so no-one noticed the fact that she has a voice that’s weedier than a weed that’s been wee’d on. But she still sold millions, so I guess that proves that while there may be deaf people , and there may be stupid people, there must be an utter shitload of deaf-stupid people.
Darby Shaw: Texans-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bills-LOSS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 1
‘The autumn wind is a pirate…’ those famous words written by the late Steve Sabol and uttered by the great John Facenda have become known as the Raiders creed. But when you really think about it, the Raiders aren’t pirates; they’re, well, Raiders. A Buccaneer? – now a Buccaneer IS a pirate. And so we have real pirates (Bucs) against pseudo pirates (Raiders), who really, let’s be honest, are more like shoplifters. I’ll take my chances with the real pirates against the juvenile delinquents. Plus does anyone deny that the Bucs are currently by far the more intimidating team? Even our coach is intimidating now.
Rob Wheatley: Raiders-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Buccaneers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Buccaneers-WIN
Minnesota Vikings @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Seahawks by 5
I want to care about this game, I really do. Both teams are arguably outperforming the expectations placed upon them this season by everyone except for the stupid home fans who always think they’ll be division champs by week 10. Each team is within striking distance of their division leaders, who have serious flaws that make them vulnerable (the 49ers lack of consistency and the Bear’s bitch quarterback). Both teams have youth and talent and desire. The problem is, though, I just can’t give a damn about them. The Vikings are just too vanilla (which I suppose is to be expected in their Nordic region), and the Seahawks are the Seahawks. I mean, come on, Seattle’s SOCCER team is more entertaining (and probably has better attendance at their games). I’m just glad there’s no reason for this game to wind up on my television; I’d actually rather watch the Browns. Or home decorating shows.
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-WIN
Steve Elle: Seahawks-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Vikings-LOSS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
With most of my Giants predictions coinciding with how similar they are to their paths to past Super Bowl wins, some people have begun labeling me as a Giants sympathizer. I assure you, my team allegiance (that I pride myself on making vague by cracking jokes about all teams) does not come into play. I merely found a new way to preview Giants games without calling on old jokes about Eli Manning’s Dark Helmet-head and “Aw Shucks” demeanor. In 2007 and 2011, the Giants were 6-2 after Week 9 since they had a early bye week. That next win did not come right away, and neither will this one, even without the help of Hurricane Sandy.
Rob Wheatley: Giants-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Steelers-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-LOSS
Dallas Cowboys @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 4
Falcons, how I loathe thee. I loathe the Cowboys too but am a fan this weekend. Unless the Falcons win the Super Bowl this year, I remain unconvinced of their supposed superiority. I believe they are a good team but I think several other teams are better. This will play out in the long run. In the short run I hope this plays out on Sunday. Because Sunday I am a complete Romosexual. Yes, I said it.
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Falcons-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-WIN
Monday, November 5th, 2012
Philadelphia Eagles @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 3
You know what the best sign is that a starting quarterback is about to be benched? A mid-season, mid-week press release that states that the starting quarterback isn’t being benched. Here’s the thing, Eagles: if you had faith in your QB, you wouldn’t have to say that you had faith in your QB. Just admit you’re in panic mode, and that your $100 million quarterback isn’t the guy who can lead your team to the promised land. To a local dogfight, sure, but not the playoffs. Your best move at this point would be to try to trade for the QB on the other side of the field; Drew Brees is doing everything possible to drag his team into victories, at least, even if he’s failing. The Saints have become the perfect counter-argument to the theory that coaching is the least important aspect of the game, an argument that… well, nobody but me ever makes (because I’m a dumb-ass).
Rob Wheatley: Eagles-LOSS
Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 72-59
Steve Elle: 66-65
Darby Shaw: 65-66
Evil Peyton Manning: 62-69