Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 8!
Thursday, Octoberber 25th, 2012
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 7
In perhaps the most important early season match-up all season thus far, the surprising Minnesota Vikings (surprising because they’re winning) face off against the highly competitive Tampa Bay Buccaneers (‘highly competitive’ is a euphemism for a team that hasn’t won much). Jokes aside this is an intriguing match-up. The Vikings, who seem to be doing things by smoke and mirror these days are relying more and more on the newly repaired ligament of Adrian Peterson. Christian Ponder passed for 80 yards last week, or essentially the equivalent of Vincent Jackson’s longest reception in last Sunday’s game. What does all of this mean? Damn it, it means we’ll have to play this game to determine the victor. How annoying!
Rob Wheatley: Vikings-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Vikings-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-WIN
Sunday, October 28th, 2012
Carolina Panthers @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 9
After winning a real snooze-fest against “wait, the media can’t just hand us the division title in the off-season” Lions, the Bears are looking like their usual selves: a team that has to rely on their defense because their offense couldn’t score on Lindsey Lohan. They should have no problem continuing the trend against Cam “Super Kitty” Newton and the Panthers. This game will come down to which offense is less shitty.
Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bears-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-LOSS
San Diego Chargers @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Chargers by 1
The word Charger always makes me think of the Dukes of Hazard and the General Lee. That car is cinematic small beer, however, compared to James Bond’s iconic Aston Martin DB5, which returns in the new film, Skyfall. I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s bound to be full of Bond drinking vast amounts of neat surgical alcohol and driving fast and running along high things and kicking people in the throat and having sex before blowing everything up and driving like a bloody maniac on the public roads without any concern for innocent lives or property. He’ll probably have to jump out of a plane and land on a helicopter and fall through a window, all so he can defuse a bomb with seconds to go and save the world and blow more things up and have sex. I’m sure it’ll be better than it sounds…meanwhile somewhere in San Diego, men are chasing a ball. Yayyy.
Darby Shaw: Chargers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Browns-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-LOSS
Seattle Seahawks @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 1
It must suck to be a young NFL quarterback. I mean, sure. There’s the millions of dollars, the groupies, the lifestyle… All those are bad enough, but to face averse circumstances once a week? That’s harsh. The young gunslingers for both teams face virtual must-win: Seattle to stay up there with the big boys, and Detroit to avoid having to draft next year’s top college quarterback, which by NFL law must be the first pick in the draft.
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-LOSS
Steve Elle: Lions-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Seahawks-LOSS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 16
Evil Peyton Manning:
What happens when your starting quarterback and starting running back are injured and possibly out for a game against the Packers? That is what the Jaguars will find out if Chad Henne is under center with Rashad Jennings behind him. It’s possible that the stock in these backups will go up for next season, but that’s only because that stock hit the floor last year. Why else would they be in Jacksonville?
Rob Wheatley: Packers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Packers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Packers-LOSS
Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
It took some time, but Chris Johnson finally doubled his total running yardage in one game. Well, not quite, but it was real close with 195 yards. His total right now after seven weeks is 496. That stat may continue to grow as the Titans play the Colts, who gave up 162 running yards to Shonn Greene of the Jets and 28 yards to a Browns fan that somehow got suited up and placed in the I-formation.
Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN
Darby Shaw: Colts-WIN
Steve Elle: Titans-LOSS
New England Patriots @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Patriots by 7
Hi there NFL fans, I’m here in the heart of North West London driving to the Patriots & Rams game at the legendary Wembley Stadium on a shitty, congested, grimy road that goes nowhere, linking one extraneous grey lump of condensed housing to another. Along the way expect to see a beautiful car-filled flyover, pumping its carbon monoxide fumes lovingly onto the locals as they wend their way into the big city for underpaid, overstressed jobs they all hate so they can pay for their large screen TV’s with HD and 3D and 5.1, so when they finally get to sit down after a hard days slog and are trying to digest the contents of a miniscule plastic microwaved pot, filled with fat and salt and sugar and more fat, and wondering why they always feel so terrible in the morning despite only having drunk one 8-pack and and smoked enough to dry-cure a very large ham, they can watch their favorite episode of their favorite Detective drama, again….will any of them even remember the game took place ? Sorry guys, you tried your best, but next year just donate the air fare to the starving whales trapped in volcanoes or something.
Darby Shaw: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Rams-LOSS
Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets by 1
Shockingly this may be an entertaining game. By that I mean that there may be juggling at halftime. Perhaps a unicycle rider will please the crowd. Clowns? Cheerleaders? And then there’s the game. Likely the actual game won’t be very entertaining. But you never know. Now that Mark Sanchez is going back into the closet after dumping Rays 3rd baseman Evan Longoria, he can concentrate on the task at hand. Specifically handing off to Shonn Greene. As for Ryan Tannehill, he of the now quite as ambiguous girlfriend situation, he’ll be handing off too, to Reggie Bush. So, the QB’s square off and the RB’s do their thing. Should be a blast! Just kidding.
Rob Wheatley: Jets-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jets-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-LOSS
Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 1
One team that wasted $100 million on Michael Vick faces another team that wasted $100 mullion on him. At halftime, both teams’ GMs will be given “Dumbass of the Decade” awards. As to the game… Well, as long as Vick loses, who cares about the details?
Rob Wheatley: Eagles-LOSS
Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-WIN
Washington Redskins @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 5
I was watching a great program on the TV the other day, Dragon’s Den is its name. A bunch of people stand in front of more people with more money than them, and whoever is given a heart attack the fastest, dies. The rich people are allowed to warn, threaten, intimidate, belittle and verbally abuse the patients, until they drop. Those that survive are given £500 and told to eff off and encouraged to start running if they know what their lives are worth. At that point, the Dragons sit around drinking single malt whiskey before being carried into their assault vehicles for the final chase. Rutger Hauer, or was it Van Damme , I can’t remember, but it was one of them, or Denzel Washington maybe, but in the 80’s there was definitely a documentary about his I saw on video, I certainly do remember somebody getting kicked in the throat. Bloody brilliant documentary that, they should put films like that in the cinema.
Darby Shaw: Steelers-WIN
Steve Elle: Redskins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-LOSS
Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs by 1
Brady Quinn sucks. But it’s the Raiders, so whatever. (Yes that’s my entire analysis. You don’t like it, the refund department is around the corner and up your ass.)
Rob Wheatley: Raiders-WIN
Steve Elle: Raiders-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-WIN
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Giants by 1
Evil Peyton Manning:
The last time that the Giants and Cowboys played, Jerry Jones was correct about kicking some asses. This time, my algorithms based on the Giants of 2007 and 2011 is a bit vague. In both seasons, they won in Week 8, but only beat the Cowboys in Dallas after losing to them at home in 2007. Math has failed me, so I may be forced to go with my gut.
Rob Wheatley: Giants-WIN
Darby Shaw: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle: Cowboys-LOSS
New Orleans Saints @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 6
Two of the best QB’s of the modern era square off in this game. Peyton Manning has proven now that he’s nearly all the way back while Drew Brees has proven that he’s never left. This game will be played in the thin air of Denver with a raucous crowd behind the home team. Brees won’t have time to paint his nails like he did in last week’s Bucs game. I expect he’ll throw a few picks in this one. Manning however should have a good time picking apart the porous Saints secondary. Look for a high scoring game that could come down to the last possession.
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-WIN
Darby Shaw: Saints-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-WIN
Monday, October 29th, 2012
San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: 49ers by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
It’s amazing that, only two seasons ago, the NFC West would be littered with teams trying to give away the division title. The next year, the 49ers finally decided to stop screwing around and take it. Now, the Arizona Cardinals are trying to stay in the party with the Seattle Seahawks while the Rams are just one game under .500. This division should be the definition of “Any Given Sunday.”
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN
Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 64-53
Steve Elle: 57-60
Darby Shaw: 56-61
Evil Peyton Manning: 52-65