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Looper: The Celebrity-Stopping Sequel

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Rian Johnson, director of hit sci-fi thriller “Looper,” has announced he will time travel Joe Simmons, our favorite paid assassin, to the future to “take care” of the most dangerous form of human beings that currently roam the earth: celebrities.

In the sequel, Mr. Simmons is paid to correct the “wrongs” that celebrities unleash upon an unsuspecting world.

Simmons travels back in time to a non-descript recording studio, where he lays to waste the microphone that Lindsay Lohan was about to record her demo; thereby saving future music lovers from notes worse than death. Once this deed was done, Simmons does a reconnaissance mission into Pauly Shore’s homestead, where he shaves Mr. Shore’s scalp before he tries out for the part of “Encino Man.” He then goes to Charlie Sheen’s house for—well, even Mr. Simmons needs some rest and recreation.

He then travels back in time three times to unsuccessfully stop Keith Richards, Scott Weiland and Steve Tyler from taking hard drugs; imploring them: “You’ll never make good music if you do these! Please stop!” Mr. Simmons then goes to the present time and offers a now cleaned up Mr. Richards, Mr. Weiland and Mr. Tyler hard drugs; saying: “Make good music again! Please start taking hard drugs again!” Mr. Simmons even tried to stop Oprah Winfrey from imbibing in midnight snacks, but quit, citing, “Trying to stop Ms. Winfrey from eating a pint of ‘Ben and Jerry’s’ every hour—let’s just say all night sex with three crack whores is less tiring than trying to stop that woman from cracking open a refrigerator.”

Mr. Simmons even temporarily left the celebrity world, went back in time to 2009 and went to New York City. There, he had a long talk with New York Jet General Manager Mike Tannebaum—only for Mr. Tannebaum to ignore him and draft QB bust Mark Sanchez.

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