Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 7!
Thursday, Octoberber 18th, 2012
Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 7
How embarrassed do the 49ers have to be? I mean, sure. They’re 4-2 and tied for the division lead. But they’re tied with a team in Seattle who has a who-dat rookie leading their offense and a team in Arizona that has a carousel of injured QBs who probably wouldn’t start for the Browns. If they don’t beat the Seahawks this week, expect Pete Carroll to weep openly on the sidelines. Actually, he might regardless. Never mind.
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-LOSS
Sunday, October 21st, 2012
Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills by 3
I don’t know if you have this in America, but here in Europe we have a thing called ‘Space’. Space is very high up, it’s also freezing cold, has no Oxygen, and is dark and scary. Last week, a dude by the name of Felix Bumgardener took a balloon ride to the very edge of Space, and then jumped out. He was in freefall for over four minutes, and went fast enough to break the sound barrier. Apart from a special suit designed to stop his body exploding, the only protection he had was a motorcycle helmet with a thin plastic visor. The players of the NFL wear not only a helmet with a full face grill, but also armored shoulder pads wide enough to land planes o, and a three inch thick bullet-proof iron covering for their testes. Wow, who would have guessed that running on grass at about 10 miles per hour and catching a ball could be more dangerous than Space !
Darby Shaw: Titans-WIN
Steve Elle: Bills-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-WIN
Cleveland Browns @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts by 3
In retrospect, the Browns were destined to win last week. Their rookie QB celebrated his 50th birthday, their best defensive player returned from his bull semen/horse tranquilizer suspension, and their big-money running back was on the bench. If that’s not a recipe for success, I dont know what is. (And judging by my record this season, it’s clear I have no damn idea.) Meanwhile, the city of Indianapolis got put in their collective place as they returned to their pre-Green-Bay-ass-whooping form. Expect both teams to return to their natural states; that is it say, purveyors of mediocre football.
Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN
Steve Elle: Browns-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-WIN
Green Bay Packers @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Packers by 6
Evil Peyton Manning:
You’d be hard pressed to find someone who predicted one of these teams would be 3-3. The Packers looked too good last year for that record. The Rams looked too…not so good for that record. Well, last year ABBA had a reunion tour, so the only thing you can ever expect from year to year is the unexpected. This game, however, does not fall into that category.
Rob Wheatley: Colts-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-WIN
Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 6
Poor Minnesota. They gave up one of the biggest runs by a quarterback since Steve Bono ran for 76 yards against the Cardinals in…
oh, 1907. In the Vikings’ defense, RGIII did it in like 2.6 seconds, where Bono did it in 2.6 hours. The Cardinals are excited to welcome back John Skelton, who is expected to double their passing output from 10 yards a game to 20 yards a game. In a related note, Larry Fitzgerald was recently seen hiring bodyguards to protect himself from angry fantasy team owners.
Rob Wheatley: Vikings-WIN
Steve Elle: Vikings-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Vikings-WIN
Washington Redskins @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 6
According to scientific research I just made up, it appears that through some freak accident of evolution, Giants have developed highly sophisticated olfactory receptors capable of advanced racial profiling. Just one sniff is all it takes to determine the nationality of an intruder : “Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman”, they will say, or “Fo Fum Fi Fees, I think this bloke’s Chinese”. It is extremely useful at Giant border crossings, where people of a specific nationality can be instantly identified and taken away to a small room for the old rubber glove treatment, depending on which country is currently on the terrorism hot-list at the time. It sure beats photographing people in their underpants, which I believe is the current method of detecting wrong-doers at airports these days.
Darby Shaw: Redskins-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-LOSS
New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Saints by 3
Jonathan Vilma, vilified Saints LB who is suspended for the entire year (which means somehow that he might play in Sunday’s game) refuses to play nice with Roger Goodell. Much like OJ before him, he thinks that if he keeps on telling himself and others he’s innocent, then it will become so. The word innocent also means blameless. In this context I don’t think anyone would call Vilma blameless. But I digress. Regardless, Vilma will be in Tampa on Sunday. I’m hoping the permanently angry Vilma will cry on Sunday. I hope he cries for the loss of his team, his manhood, his pride, his car, his…well, you get my point. The Bucs will be trying to establish a winning streak. This is the first game all year that is sold out. It’s throwback day so the old winking pirate (Bucco Bruce – a gay name if I’ve ever heard one) is back. I hope my wink will accompany a smile. Right after I flip off Vilma.
Rob Wheatley: Saints-WIN
Darby Shaw: Saints-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN
Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Cowboys by 1
Last week, the Panthers played their best football of the year, managing to avoid another heart-breaking loss during their bye week. The Cowboys, however, lost to a defensive team that could only field four people on defense by the end of the game. Both teams aim to improve their luck thus week, shooting for a 0-0 tie.
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-WIN
Steve Elle: Cowboys-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-WIN
Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
It was a sad weekend for the Ravens, as seemingly ageless Ray Lewis was knocked out of the season due to injury. While many speculate whether or not he will retire and go watch his son play for Miami while being a network sports analyst, two things are certain: 1) Playing the Texans just got a bit tougher. 2) The Ray Lewis commercials will only get better.
Rob Wheatley: Texans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Ravens-LOSS
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 4
I challenge you right now to name 5 players on either the Jaguars or Raiders not named Carson Palmer and Maurice Jones Drew. Waiting… ah, I didn’t think so. This may be the lowest rated game all season. There are approximately 14 Jaguar fans nationwide. While there are many Raider fans, they are mostly concentrated in the greater Oakland area and, of course, all gang members are Raiders fans as well. So what else do I have to say about this game? If I must I will say that it will be interesting to see which team finds a way to lose because that’s what both teams have been doing all year, losing. While I doubt we’ll get a 0-0 tie, it’s possible.
Rob Wheatley: Raiders-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jaguars-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-LOSS
New York Jets @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 11
Evil Peyton Manning:
Bill Belichick isn’t one to praise other teams unless it is in a vaguely sarcastic tone, so his quote about Tim Tebow being “valuable” can be taken in a few directions. He could be referring to the idea that the Jets have nothing left but smoke and mirrors to finish the season, much like Belichick’s first Super Bowl-winning season. On the other hand, he may be trying to woo Tebow to the Patriots, since 7 tight ends and a faux wide receiver in Welker just isn’t enough to make throws in the middle of the field as easy as a game of catch with the family.
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jets-WIN
Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Steelers by 1
Americans are well known for not being able to spell properly. They tend to use a Z where the English would use an S, they regularly miss out the letter U, as in Colour, or replace it with an O in the case of the word Mum. Given this, I imagine that the word Steeler is actually meant to be Stealer, which we in England would call a burglar. Now, due to the high unemployment currently being enjoyed by millions in Britain, the Government have come up with an excellent way to keep these non-workers entertained at home: by instigating new laws allowing householders to kill or maim burglars in any way they choose. A condition is that any force used must be reasonable and not grossly excessive, so you can’t torture and then kill an intruder. Apparently it’s okay if it’s done the other way around, so remember kids, kill, THEN torture. Sensible policies for a happier Britain. Well, I didn’t vote for them !
Darby Shaw: Steelers-WIN
Steve Elle: Bengals-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-WIN
Monday, October 22nd, 2012
Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 6
This is a game that will largely determine the winner of the Lions vs. the Bears. And if that sounds redundant it’s because this game is full of redundancies. Guess what’s happening to Ndamukong Suh? He’s getting sued. That’s right, Suh is being sued. It’s been reported that Jim Schwartz has genital (you guessed it), warts. Yes, Schwartz has warts. Do I need to go on? Anyway, this should otherwise be a well contested game. The Bears are playing well but the Lions have quick strike capability. Consensus says that the outcome will largely be determined by the team that has the most points.
Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Bears-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: 58-45
Darby Shaw: 50-53
Steve Elle: 49-54
Evil Peyton Manning: 45-58