123 Sesame Street: After stating that he loves “Big Bird” in his recent presidential debate, Mitt Romney clarified his stance on PBS.
He stated, “Yes, I love Big Bird–but frankly, the rest of his furry friends are lazy squatters. For instance, Oscar the Grouch doesn’t even pay property tax on a garbage can. Bert and Ernie just lounge around in bed; giggling or snarling their lives away; most likely waiting for a civil union law to be passed on ‘the Street.’ ”
“Who knows when Mr. Snuffle-huffle-gus worked, if ever,” Romney continued. “He has to be collecting disability checks because he’s too fat to work. The Cookie Monster, who always seems to be stuffing sugar down his mouth, needs to leave his government approved safety net and go to a perpetually starving third world country where his lack of table manners and his never-ending supply of food can be appreciated. Elmo is way too happy for these sad times and most likely is swallowing his favorite letter: ‘E.’
“Yes, word on Wall Street is that this street and the company that allows this dump to fester needs to be closed down. This is why, I’m changing the name of PBS to Purely Bain Street–where, thanks to high paying 100% Caucasian consultants, they will make sure it’s always a sunny day and the air is sweet–and we will pay an illegal immigrant to push the clouds away on Sesame Street.”
Bert and Ernie countered that Mitt is part of the 1% while the reason 99% of the Muppets are unemployed and hairy is because they can’t afford to shave and can’t even move their arms and legs because they haven’t eaten in years. Oscar the Grouch noted, “There’s a reason why I live in a God damn garbage can. Thanks to corporate greed and plastic people like dipshit Mitt, I can’t afford a real frigging house.”