Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.

The insanity continues into Week 5!

Thursday, Octoberber 4th, 2012

VS

Arizona Cardinals @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Cardinals by 1

Rob Wheatley:

 I just put the words ‘Arizona Cardinals’ into the anagram solving part of my brain, and look what I came up with.

It seems you can make the words Aran Zion Radicals. Yes, I don’t know what Aran means either, so I smoked some more and then came up with this : Imagine it’s a coded message, and one letter has been deliberately omitted. It could read Aryan Zion Radicals, which is a concept I can’t get my head around, especially as I just smoked that thing I said I’d smoked. Anyway, what if a letter had just been changed, then it could read Iran Zion Radicals, in which case I think someone ought to get on the phone to Jack Bauer or a similar fictitious character, cos that sounds like there’s some serious ass kicking about to go down. But then I thought, maybe they did change a letter, but it then reads Anal Zion Radicals. Well, in that case, I think I’ll just let them get on with it. As you were.

Pick: Rams-WIN

Darby Shaw: Rams-WIN

Steve Elle: Rams-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-LOSS

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Sunday, October 7th, 2012

VS

Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bengals by 4

Steve Elle:

 The surprising Dolphins will be competitive against the Bengals. Ryan Tannehill looks to be perhaps the 2^nd best rookie QB out of a pretty good crop, but the Bengals will be playing at home and you know what that means: they’ll be in Ohio. Dolphins don’t swim very well in Ohio because there’s no salt water. Well, there’s brackish water but there’s no ocean. Of course there are no tigers either, particularly Bengal tigers. Perhaps the stadium should be in India. Anyway, clearly this game’s a mess with animals in weird places and an Indian stadium in Ohio.

Pick: Dolphins-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Bengals-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Dolphins-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-LOSS

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