Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 4, as games are as sure as replacement officials are about their game calling.
Thursday, September 27th, 2012
Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 13
Well, it seems that my extensive research on this game you call ‘football’ was for nothing. Last week’s picks were another small disaster, not just for me, but for our other writers here, and seemingly for the whole of America. Now, I’ve been saying for sometime that this NFL business is far too complicated, nobody really understands how the game is played, there are constantly team members coming and going off the pitch, and not only that, they all wear helmets so you can’t tell who is who, and if that isn’t enough to deal with, every game features rows of dancing girls jumping and jiggling on the sidelines…how is anyone meant to follow the action with all that going on ? I’ve come up with a much simplified version : The ref flips a coin….yep, that’s it, saves all that messing about.
Darby Shaw: Browns-WIN
Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-LOSS
Sunday, September 30th, 2012
Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 8
On Sunday Scam Newton takes his pouting to Hotlanta. This should give him another opportunity to throw inaccurate passes and do his now vintage ‘surprise’ planned QB draw which was only a surprise until about mid season 2011. It seems as if the film has caught up with Newton and now he might have to actually develop as a QB. I know, sounds tough. On the other side the already well developed (QB wise, while he still looks like Howdy Doody) Matt Ryan should have no problem passing on the Panthers. Nor should Michael Turner have too much trouble.
Rob Wheatley: Falcons-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Falcons-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS
New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Patriots by 5
The Patriots lost by the slimmest of margins Sunday which in today’s NFL means that aside from the official loss, they might have actually won. They won’t lose twice though. Buffalo – who knows what to make of this team yet? Their offense seems to be…ok. Ditto their defense. But Brady will not mess around and the Pats and Belichick will look to make quick work of the Bills. All of that said, this is a potential upset special.
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Darby Shaw: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN
Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 5
This is the year the Lions make the leap! Look at their offensive firepower, with a blossoming young quarterback and a receiver nicknamed “Megatron” because of his hands (we’ll ignore the fact that this nickname makes no sense whatsoever, at the moment)! Look at their improved defense, with a stacked defensive line! Look at… err, the fact that they’re 1-2 and at the bottom of their division. I guess at least they’ve still got the Red Wings to be excited ab–oh. Yeah. At any rate, the one thing they’ve got going for them is at least they’re not the Vikings.
Rob Wheatley: Lions-LOSS
Steve Elle: Vikings-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS
San Diego Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chargers by 1
The Chiefs finally gathered the first win of their underwhelming season under human Weeble Romeo Crennel. Down three to the Saints late in the game with two minutes left and forty yards to march, the Chiefs boldly marched down the field to score. Which is to say, they timidly ran the ball until they got just into field goal range and squeaked one in, leading to an equally pansy-ass overtime which involved the teams trading ineffective plays until the Chiefs stumbled into field goal range one more time to win it. The Chargers, on the other hand, are coming off an ass-whipping from the Falcons in which their only positive was that they didn’t get shut out completely. Look for both teams to return to form this week, with the Chiefs playing chicken-ball and the Chargers doing just enough to win against a team they should beat handily.
Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-LOSS
Steve Elle: Chiefs-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-WIN
Seattle Seahawks @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Seahawks by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Let me be the first to say that I completely agree with the Hail Mary call at the end of the Seahawks/Packers game. Golden Tate did nothing wrong, and had full possession of the football for the winning touchdown. I say this because it gives me hope that, one day in the near future, I too can somehow be the recipient of a game-winning touchdown by merely sitting on my couch and calling to an official that “I caught the ball.”
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Seahawks-LOSS
Steve Elle: Rams –WIN
San Francisco 49ers @ New York Jets
LINE: 49ers by 5
Last week, the 49ers fell back to earth after an embarrassing showing against the lowly Vikings. It was a classic “trap” game. Not because they’d just knocked off the Packers and Lions, who were supposed to be the elite of the NFC. No, it was a trap game because Randy Moss was supposed to have a big game in his return to the Metrodome (err, Mall of America Field, what the hell ever) in red and gold. Unfortunately, they forgot to take into account the fact that Randy Moss is 130 years old and, last season, was the first player in NFL history to suck for three teams in a season. On the bright side for Moss, Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis is out of the season, so expect the 49ers receiver to explode for 4 catches and 29 yards. On the other sideline, the Jets finally found an offense that produces results: the “fourth and short fake punt formation with Tebow.” Watch for further razzle-dazzle with such plays as the “fake extra point with Tebow,” the “fake field goal with Tebow,” and the “fake going into the locker room at halftime with Tebow.”
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-LOSS
Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 12
I wanted to make some comment here about the World economic crisis that USA caused, a subtle and witty play on words perhaps that would weave its way into your subconscious and have you frantically researching the subject by lunchtime. I wanted to inspire you to seek the truth, to fight for justice and fair compensation for all those who lost their homes, jobs and trousers in the 2008 crash. I wanted you to rise up as one and shout from the rooftops, “lock up the bankers” and “eat the rich”. I wanted you to feel empowered to take a stand against the tyranny of financial inequality and bring down the houses of those who caused the nation so much pain. But all I could come up with was “Titans Tighten their belts”, so I gave up.
Darby Shaw: Titans-LOSS
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-LOSS
Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
The formula of “best quarterback in the league + best defense in the league = WIN” doesn’t seem to be catching on in Denver, as the Broncos defense decided that their job is done after they get a safety. Meanwhile, the Oakland Raiders got their first win of the season in the only way they know how: off the foot of 90-year-old Sebastian Janikowski.
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-WIN
Darby Shaw: Raiders-LOSS
Steve Elle: Broncos-WIN
Miami Dolphins @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals by 7
Ah, the Dolphins, soundly defeated last week by Dan Carpenter and Joe Philbin, ironically both from the Dolphins. It doesn’t get any easier this week as they face the apparently powerful Cardinals. Who knew? Kevin “corn on the” Kolb has somehow backed his way into yet another starting QB spot. His career thus far seems to be one of the unlikelier paths ever taken to undeserved NFL riches. However he has a HOF WR in Larry Fitzgerald, a decent running game and an active defense. The Dolphins can make some noise but a smooth, Bush free Miami team has a lot to overcome.
Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Dolphins-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Dolphins-WIN
Cincinnati Bengals @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Bengals by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
In my attempt to provide commentary for this game, I couldn’t get over the fact that a game ticker showed that Blaine Gabbert’s injury was to his “buttocks.” I’ve bruised my tailbone at an ice rink, but your buttocks? I don’t get it, so instead of focusing on game highlights and stats, I have been picking words out of post-game commentary that could have to do with buttocks. The list so far includes: stunning; wipe; pounced; jogged; whizzed; Paul Kuharsky; behind. The Bengals, surprisingly, have no comic relief or jail time leading into Week 4, as the Sarah Jones jury trial will have to wait until October 10th.
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN
Steve Elle: Bengals-WIN
New Orleans Saints @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 8
Evil Peyton Manning:
If the Saints are faring this badly against teams that they should have been dominating, there’s no telling when their first win will come. At the very least, they will be able to tie in Week 6, their bye week, but if this season has shown me anything, it is that anything is possible. An example? The Packers game last week that is sure to fuel Clay Matthews’ Hulk-Rage.
Rob Wheatley: Packers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Saints-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-LOSS
Washington Redskins @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Buccaneers by 3
The Redskins are a team on the rise. Which is to say, the replacement refs are getting a rise out of their offensive coordinator, Kyle “No seriously, I’m a real OC, not just because of my dad” Shanahan, and quarterback Robert Griffin III keeps giving the media a raging hard-on every time he takes the field. Meanwhile, the Bucs are staying off the radar, providing an unimpressive win over Carolina and two close losses to the Giants and Cowboys. No doubt this is a ninja-like distraction technique, to lull opposing teams into a false sense of security; at this point, they’re one Matt Ryan injury away from being the NFC South champs. And with head coach Greg Schiano playing so dirty that not even a victory-formation kneel-down is safe, I wouldn’t be surprised if Schiano hires a free-agent linebacker off the streets for one game just to take Ryan out. (Seriously, why has no coach ever done this?)
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-WIN
Steve Elle: Buccaneers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-WIN
New York Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 1
This is a tough game to handicap. The Eagles have a good chance to beat the Giants, but in the end I think Michael Vick will have a tough time with the Giants defensive line. I can see JPP having a breakout game on Sunday. I can also see Eli Manning having a hard time if the Eagles can bring some heat. But since they usually bring some cool instead, that might not work out. However the most interesting drama is between LeSean McCoy and Osi Umenyiora. I’m not sure exactly what this drama is, perhaps it has to do with video games or stolen Pokémon cards, but I hear there’s some bad blood between them. Namaste, guys.
Rob Wheatley: Eagles-WIN
Darby Shaw: Giants-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-LOSS
Monday, October 1st, 2012
Chicago Bears @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 4
Wouldn’t it be great to be a bear ! Imagine it, eating honey by the huge pawful, standing on the top of a mountain bellowing for all you’re worth, swiping the face off anybody that dares enter your forest wearing hair gel or shampoo or something, but most of all, imagine the fun you could have when taking a crap ! All your friends would be waiting with baited breath, just to see where you actually did lay your pipe. You could saunter off in the direction of the woods, yes, but then maybe veer off towards a stream or picnic table, your friends following at a distance so as not to be seen, but you’d know they were there. I mean, if YOU had a bear for a friend, wouldn’t you want to know if he really did it in the woods ? Cowboys are a different matter, nobody cares where they take a dump. Nature is strange like that.
Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: Cowboys-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: 34-29
Rob Wheatley: 33-30
Evil Peyton Manning: 28-35
Darby Shaw: 27-36