Washington, DC: Yesterday, a little less than half the number of people that usually attend protests organized on the National Mall to demonstrate their indignation at being called victims by Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Romney’s gaffe came to the public’s attention last week and has been the source of some outrage, even among the other 53 percent.
Protesters swarmed the mall, about half of them carrying moderately catchy slogans. They chanted “We are the 47 Percent” until about midway through the protest and then began complaining that there were not enough police guarding them and that the grass should have been trimmed shorter for them. The protest, which the media spent just short of half the day reporting on, was considered by analysts to be moderately effective.
“You know, we’re just tired of being picked on,” A protester who would only give us half his name, Marty, told us. “It’s always the 47%. Why don’t they just leave us alone! We’re almost mad as hell and we’re really close to not taking it anymore!”
The protesters have a point. The 47% have been one of the most vocal groups of victims in America. They earn lower salaries than the rest of the country, score lower on standardized tests and hold a little less than half of the country’s student debt. Whenever they attempt to push a candidate to represent them or change a law to benefit them, they are consistently outvoted. In response, they’ve done what any red-blooded American would do in their situation: complain. They complain so much that they’re often mistaken for Republicans.
For their part, Republicans are handling the potential loss of this minority vote with the same sophistication and directness with which they addressed all other minority groups. They are insisting that Romney’s comments actually speak to his consistency. Romney has shown an impressive misunderstanding of the income structure of America, and he has strongly held on to his convictions in the face of a flurry of facts and numbers.
Romney, for his part, has explained that his comment in the video was “inelegantly stated”. This has made many wonder how different Romney’s campaign would be if it were more elegant. Many top Republicans have been requesting chandeliers and champagne to be provided at all of the candidate’s future appearances. In keeping with this change, Romney recently purchased a top hat and monocle.
As for the protestors, their demands will likely never be met. They expected a wealth of government programs, such as healthcare, education, aid for those in financial need and a more productive criminal justice system.
“Savages,” said Mitt Romney, scoffing and adjusting his monocle and once again neglecting to check for hidden cameras.