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The Rescue of Honey Boo Boo

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McIntyre, GA: Ex-Navy Seal/current “No Easy Day” author Matt Bissonette, who was part of the elite team that literally bagged Osama Bin Laden, told “60 Minutes” of a recent secret mission: The Rescue of Honey Boo Boo (a.k.a. Alana Thompson).  He noted that secret documents revealed that “The Learning Channel’s” reality star was being captive by one June Shannon; her mother in DNA form only.  Mr. Bissonette, his literary agent and Disney Films then organized a reconnaissance mission.

After purposely crashing their Black Hawk helicopter in a nearby trailer park, the team met in the back of the “Shannon Compound.” Using night goggles and high-powered weapons, they entered the main trailer; only to discover that the premises were flooded with leeches; leeches armed with briefcases, one-sided contracts and cameras.  Mr. Bissonette noted, “I knew these leeches wanted a piece of poor Honey Boo Boo.  But they scattered like the bloodsuckers they are once they were ordered to put their weapons of choice down.”  Mr. Bissonette then entered a dark hallway where he heard the sound of running water.  He kicked open a nearby door only to have his worse fears realized. “I can stomach seeing someone getting water boarded.  But seeing Honey Boo Boo getting a bath by her mom—it made me and my company drop down to our knees in disgust. I called for the medic to soothe the understandably shaken up Honey Boo Boo.  In the confusion, Boo’s abductor escaped and waddled away.”

Mr. Bissonette then tracked the target only to see a tall, bearded figure wrapped in robes poke his head out.  He stated, “On closer inspection, I realized the bearded figure in robes was Mrs. Shannon wearing a bathrobe. She raised her hands then led me to a room filled of narcotics.  More specifically, opium she said were from friends in Afghanistan.  When I asked her why she needed so much opium she replied, ‘It  wasn’t for me.  It’s Honey Boo Boo’s 18th birthday.  She’ll need it once she realizes how much I abused her when she was six.”

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