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Bill Clinton Affirms Status as Sexiest President

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WARNING: Even pictures of Bill Clinton may incite a rise in body temperature, excessive saliva, and lewd thoughts. In the event you hear a saxaphone, see a doctor immediately.

Charlotte, NC: Wednesday night, former president Bill Clinton delivered a speech in front of the Democratic National Convention that defined the term “Silver Fox”.  Obama could only stand offstage and look dejected as Clinton showed him how to touch a crowd.

This was a turning point in Clinton’s national image.  For a while, he had been in the background and the American public had begun searching for sexy political symbols to fill the void.  Some had even become desperate enough to name Sarah Palin the sexiest person in politics.  Democrats began rating the relative hotness of the secret service for awhile before they realized that they all looked the same.

Clinton began his speech explaining that he wanted to nominate himself for President.  “I want to nominate a president that’s cool on the outside, but who burns for America on the inside”, he said, putting special stress on the word “burns” which, when combined with his darling Southern twang, created a Weapon of Mass Destruction aimed straight at every female heart in the audience.  Secretaries around the world had to be excused.

Since it would have been downright ungentlemanly of Clinton to nominate himself, he insisted that Obama was the next best thing.  “I want to nominate the man who had the good sense to marry Michelle Obama,” he said, casting a rakish eye at the First Lady.  Several aides quickly brought a chair up for Mrs. Obama, as her legs suddenly became incapable of supporting her.

Clinton proceeded to ravage the Republican party with a passion that made most of the women in the audience wish they had supported the destruction of Medicare.  He cited statistics, checked facts and even made math sexy.  In his original speech, he had planned to wear glasses to give himself more of an intellectual appearance.  His aides recommended against it, fearing that security would not be able to control the spike of estrogen that his thin black frames produced.

Clinton’s central point was that Democrats and Republicans needed to work together, a point he stressed so urgently that many in the audience wanted to work together with those around them, right away.  He told the audience he was tired of seeing Democrats one day and Republicans the next.  He wanted to get them together in a kind of political three-way.  Hillary looked on approvingly.

At the end, even the President was blushing.  When Clinton and Obama came together to embrace, the audience let out a unanimous moan of camaraderie.  That night, janitors had to put in overtime mopping the floors and picking up American flag panties strewn about the seats.  Political forecasters expect to see a large uptick in the number of registered Democrats nine months and eighteen years from now.  It has already been named the “Clinton Boom”.

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