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Florida Law Defines Life as Beginning at Drunken College Party

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In accordance to Scott’s new bill, these women are pregnant before USC’s Homecoming Game has even started.

Gainesville, FL:  Governor Rick Scott of Florida, in reaction to Arizona passing their “life begins two weeks before conception” law, has signed a bill redefining life as starting even earlier.  The signing of the bill is another part of the contest between Governors Scott and Brewer to see who is more pro-pre-life.

In signing the bill, Governor Scott is returning to his own roots.  His conception was the result of an end of the year party that brought together his father’s fraternity, Delta Epsilon, and his mother’s sorority, Theta Phi.  Though it is likely that many conservatives were conceived that night, only one went on to insist that life begins sometime between the doors opening and the first keg stand.

The law specifically states that the moment a woman squeezes into her glitter halter-top, she has taken responsibility for her body’s tendency to reproduce at will.  The law does not specifically detail what types of clothing will qualify her as “potentially pregnant”, but insists that if the party is at a fraternity, odds are it meets the standard.

“Ladies, let’s get real here,” Governor Scott said at a recent press conference. “The moment you meet the eyes of that shirtless guy in the backwards cap and that Rihanna song comes on, you know what’s going to happen.  And you know with a face like that he probably didn’t bring condoms.”

Pro-lifers have rallied behind Scott’s cause, among them political commentator and stay-at-home mom Sarah Palin.  She’s used her own family as an example to help support the cause.  “Bristol took responsibility the moment she went to that hockey game.  I mean, I’m not sure she was drunk at the time, but I assume she’d have to be to hold a conversation with Levy.”

On the other side, women on college campuses across Florida organized stiff resistance to the new legislation.  They began holding parties and demonstrations without alcohol to show that college parties could be sober and still be entertaining and well-attended.  The effort ended in one of the most drunken block parties in decades.  This is, after all, Florida.

The reaction in Arizona has been one of indignation.  Governor Brewer’s law had just come out a few days ago and Scott had to come in and steal the reactionary spotlight.  Governor Janice Brewer has issued a statement calling for calm from her constituency, promising to take the battle even further.

“We’re hammering out a piece of legislation to define life as starting at puberty.  It will also allow police to search purses for tampons,” Brewer’s statement reads. “But only if they’re Mexican.”

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