Las Vegas, NV: With the latest Prince Harry adventure, where he was found playing strip billiards, being released to the public, celebrities across the globe have been closing ranks in order to better protect themselves from the paparazzi. With things happening in Vegas not legitimately staying in Vegas, celebrities are now questioning where it is safe to enjoy activities that many have taken for granted.

“It’s a shame when celebrities like Britney Spears can’t fly into a rage at their spouses and accost them with an umbrella in their own driveway,” stated Hollywood publicist Rachel Fawn. “They haven’t been safe in their own homes for decades. We tried to smog out the whole city to create a sort of veil where no-one could figure out who anyone else was, but that didn’t work either.”

With only a handful of closets safe from prying eyes, many celebrities had taken refuge in more secretive places, due to impression as well as costliness. Some of these places include Dubai, Siberia, Morocco, Afghanistan, and Las Vegas.

The bubble burst, however, when it was seen that Las Vegas had lost its protective aura around the Royal Family’s jewels. This scandal lead to a new way for celebrities to live with minimal interference: fallout shelters.

The idea, allegedly, came from geek-dom’s own Will Wheaton, who has plotted such activities as restructuring Comic-Con, his return to notoriety by guest-starring on The Big Bang Theory, and the moderately unsuccessful meme, “Don’t Be a Dick.” After playing Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas, Wheaton saw how celebrities could seclude themselves into encompassing “Vaults” and live peacefully to carry out both their most carnal and mundane wishes.

A construction company, aptly naming itself Vault-Tec, completed the first vault just this weekend in order to give walkthroughs to current and prospective celebrities carrying at least a “C-List” rating.

“The vaults really are a wonder of modern engineering,” explained architectural designer Martin Shecker. “Self-sustaining water and oxygen systems, farming areas with artificial light, all giving the necessities of life to people in the vault’s cafeteria, sleeping quarters, and ‘Shame Room’.”

The “Shame Room” is an area where celebrities can be their most vulgar without fear of anyone, including other celebrities, seeing them. For those celebrities that still wish to remain in the public eye because of their off-screen activities, the “Shame Room” is also outfitted a closed circuit TV camera, whose feed is controlled by optic and thumb-print scans.

“With these vaults, it is our hope that celebrities remain exactly where they ought to be: in fictional situations brought to life on a screen,” Rachel Fawn remarked.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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