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Roger Clemens to Follow Long Tradition of Has-Beens in Independent League

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Sugar Land, TX: Don’t call it a comeback, but Roger Clemens will be pitching in the minor leagues this weekend.

With the surge of ticket sales due to Clemens, the Skeeters will hopefully afford to hire someone to clean their television screens.

The baseball legend will start Saturday against the Bridgeport Blue Fins for the Sugar Land Skeeters, an independent minor-league baseball team from just outside Houston, a Skeeters spokesman said. The 50-year-old Clemens, a Houston native whose career spanned 24 seasons in Boston, Toronto, New York and Houston, hasn’t played in a game since 2007 when he went 6-6 in 18 games with the Yankees.  No word yet if the recently (forced to be) retired 46 year old Jaime Moyer will sign up to anchor the Skeeters’ rotation.

When Clemens was asked if he invited any old teammates, he only nodded and said, “Yes, I invited my ex-friend, Andy Pettitte.  Hopefully, he’ll misremember the date, time and address…again.”

To say Sugar Land, Texas and the Independent League is abuzz is an understatement.  Sugar Land Mayor Hoss Jenkins said, “In honor of Roger Clemens visiting our fair town, our downtown area will be lit up like it’s never been lit up before.  Meaning, that our lone traffic light will be adorned with THREE strings of Christmas bulbs.”

The Skeeters’ are commemorating this once in a lifetime event by holding “Corked Bat Day” and giving out specially made, enhanced by secret-chemicals-made-in-Mexico-bobble-heads of Roger Clemens.  Of course, the concession stands will be selling overpriced Clemens jerseys.  Skeeters’ Concession manager, Sandy Siller, drawled, “Like Roger Clemens his-self, we have two sizes.  One size is called “Sox Slim”—the size Clemens was when he played for the Red Sox.  The other jersey is “Strangely Strong”—the size of Mr. Clemens when he pitched for the Astros, Yankees and Blue Jays.” 

The Bridgeport Blue Fins then announced that when Clemens pitches against them in beautiful downtown Bridgeport, Connecticut, they will hold a “Strike Mike!” contest.  Before the game, every attending fan will be given a replica of the splintered bat that Clemens threw dangerously close to New York Met Mike Piazza in the 2000 World Series—and will try to throw it through a “styrofoam target of Mr. Piazza.”

The Independent League is equally excited, as they will once again have a talented ballplayer to distract fans from watching foul-line sack races and face-painting with a real, live baseball game. “After John ‘The Diplomat’ Rocker left, we needed to get another player to continue the rich tradition of hiring All-Star has-beens with serious issues,” explained peanut vendor Charlie Cooper. Prior to Rocker, Jose Canseco was the Independent League’s star player. They now have their sights set on Barry Bonds.

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1 Comment

  1. avatar
    Not That Mike on

    That looks like a scene from a “Save the Children” commercial…except they’re trying to save minor league baseball. “For 2 dollars a month, you can help clean our screens.”

    And that’s their press room?

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