Everywhere, EUROPE: After a gaff-filled tour through Europe two weeks ago, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney decided to take himself and his family on a well-deserved break exploring the wilderness that is not America.
Romney and the family started off in London, the same place his political tour started. They stayed in a low-class motel, only three stars, hoping to allow Romney to get in touch with his working-class routes. Their rental car was similarly low-class, as it was the only one that had a proper dog-rack on top.
Romney, never particularly good when tasked with driving his own car, had a great deal of trouble adjusting to the left-hand driving pattern of London. He became stuck in traffic for hours at the Lambeth Bridge roundabout and was heard shouting, “Drive on the right side of the streets, you lunatics, and what’s all this kilometers business?” The car ride culminated in yet another cultural gaffe when Romney accidentally knocked over Stonehenge.
The Romneys then moved on to Paris, where they encountered an essential feature of Parisian culture; a thief that proceeded to steal their video camera. Trying not to let it upset him, Romney continued his intercourse with French culture by attempting some cordial greetings in French. Unfortunately, Romney isn’t much better at French than he is at English and proceeded to deliver insults to every Frenchman he met.
The next stop on the vacation was Germany, where the family traveled out of the city to visit some distant relatives. It turns out Mormons did quite well in Germany, especially ones that are very wealthy and have questionable morality. Unfortunately, Romney took a wrong turn and ended up dining with a German family that was most definitely not Mormon, as evidenced by the fact that there was only one wife and definitely not Romneys due to the fact they were working class. When told about this mistake later, Romney did not seem bothered. This is likely due to his being accustomed to taking things from working class people.
The trip reached its climax in Rome, where the Romneys discover that the contents of the video camera that was stolen in France had been published on Youtube. The footage is twenty minutes of Governor Romney admitting that his entire candidacy is a sham to sell American flag pins and give the media something to talk about for a couple years. The rest of the video is Romney and his wife staging the sex scene allusions from Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice with “Some Like It Hot” by The Power Station playing in the background.
Romney tracked down and confronted the thief and explained to him how it isn’t right to take someone else’s movie and use it to construct your own content. It’s downright lazy.
When asked about one lesson he learned on his trip, Romney thought for a moment before replying, “Don’t leave any evidence.”