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A Dork’s Guide to Shark Week

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Shark Week is an interesting time. For seven days, a world is transfixed to The Discover Channel to learn, once again, everything there is to know about those silent predators of the deep. If that’s not enough, there are plenty of articles online piggybacking the event. The irony of poking at that fact is not lost on this article.

But what about those infamous, non-factual representations of sharks in the media? What about those ridiculously exaggerated views of sharks in situations only movie fanatics and gamers know of?

Well, we did something about it, as we present the dorkier side of Shark Week with movies, games, and random thoughts that should be featured as much as a face-to-face interview with a Great White.

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Zombie VS Shark

Zombi 2: Variety Film Production

What would happen if a Great White ever happened upon the undead? Godfather of gore Lucio Fulci answered that question in his film, Zombi 2: utter insanity.

After failing to eat a topless female scuba-diver, our featured zombie is attacked by a shark, striking first by ripping a chunk of flesh off our underwater hero before getting into an underwater wrestling match that ends up with the shark ripping the zombie’s arm off, saying “Screw this mess,” and swimming home.

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Street Sharks

Street Sharks: DIT Entertainment

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may hold the mantle of animated animal genetic experiments, but during Shark Week, Street Sharks are given their due.

What better way to celebrate Shark Week than to watch half-man, half shark superheros driving assault vehicles only a toy store could handle as they fight crime?

And what do the men do after they are transformed into air-breathing sharks with big heads and legs? They go eat hotdogs, once again showing that sharks don’t just come after humans for food, only processed pork garbage like any good New Yorker.

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JAWS

JAWS: Universal Pictures

No Shark Week is complete without the mother of all shark nightmares and loads of movie spin-offs, Jaws. From women skinny-dipping to a trio of drunken sailors singing “Show Me the Way to Go Home“, Steven Spielberg created a film that scared people away from beaches for months.

But to truly engage your inner dorkiness during Shark Week, watching JAWS must lead to playing Nintendo’s “JAWS” video game.

JAWS: Nintendo

I have not beaten it yet, nor have I figured out what the hell shells have to do with man-eating sharks. I have, however, found the game much more enjoyable than those “Bass Fishing” games, but not as fun as fishing in The Legend of Zelda.

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Mega Shark

Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus: The Asylum

Make no mistake, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus was a horrible movie. When camp isn’t funny, it just looks lazy, which is exactly what happened to this movie.

However, the idea of a ginormous shark taking a chunk out of the Golden Gate Bridge deserves at least a thumbs up for originality, and has found a place in our hearts during Shark Week. Even if that place is being rewound constantly so as not to poison the moment with the rest of the movie.

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Godzilla Never Played with Sharks

Unless I missed something, Godzilla never got to play with a shark in his movie series. He’s played with giant moths, space amoebas, multi-headed dragons, and a mechanized version of himself, but no sharks. All he’s had was Gigan, which isn’t so much a shark as a fin-winged beast-man with a shark-like fin on his head. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

If Shark Week really wanted to make waves, Godzilla would fight a shark, plain and simple.

 

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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