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The Second Coming of an Alien?

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Roswell, NM: Former CIA agent Chase Brandon told a reporter a shocking announcement on the 65th anniversary of the “Roswell Daily Record’s” infamous flying saucer headline. And what oh-so-shocking announcement did the 35-year veteran make?

This one: “It was not a damn weather balloon,” said Chase. “It was a craft that clearly did not come from this planet. I don’t doubt for a second that the use of the word ‘remains’ and ‘cadavers’ was exactly what people were talking about. “

After the reporter paid for Mr. Brandon’s ninth shot of Johnny Walker Black, he stated, “Can’t say where the cadavers were from, but they had human attributes—for the most part.”

While stricken from the record due to inebriation, it was debated that before the UFO’s pilot died, the humanoid creature allegedly spoke in a combination of Aramic and Latin languages, was determined to be 33 years old, had shoulder-length hair, a beard, a flowing robe, sandals, a cord of thistle around his forehead and holes in his hands.

“Everyone is always talking about how the U.S. government keeps its citizens in the dark about certain issues,” explained a former CIA janitor, Miles Hoolihan. “You think they would tell the truth if they found a biblical figurehead in a spaceship? You’re lucky to even hear about the visage of The Virgin Mary when she appears in the Cap’n Crunch in the Capitol’s cafeteria.”

When Harold Camping, who had noted that the Rapture would occur on May 21st , heard the news about this unearthly stranger, he said, “So sue me. I was off 645 years.”

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