Washington, DC: After his much-discussed use of executive privilege to obscure the details of the FBI’s “fast and furious” initiative, Obama has begun exploring the potential of his newfound power. The wording of the presidential ability is extremely vague, allowing for innovative new interpretations.
For example, Obama made a surprise appearance at a private GOP meeting last week. According to sources, he kicked open the door, cut the line to the buffet, and started picking out the best pastries before anyone had a chance to even start dessert. He then sat down in a chair and took a large bite out of an éclair, the biggest one.
When one of the meeting’s attendees complained, Obama held up a hand and said, “Executive privilege.”
Obama’s use of executive privilege has extended beyond the boundaries of politics, and pastries. He recently showed up at Donald Trump’s office. Reportedly, one of Trump’s gold-painted Thai handmaidens opened the door to his office to reveal the Commander in Chief. Trump stood and walked over to greet him, but before he could extend an arm in welcome, Obama rushed forward and delivered a vicious kick to Trump’s groin region. The impact made a loud clanging noise which, according to doctors, was due to Trump having recently underwent a controversial medical treatment involving his testicles and a vat of gold.
As the billionaire slumped to the ground, the President adjusted his suit jacket and said, “Executive privilege, bitch.”
There are even reports that, later that day, he was found smoking an illegal amount of an illegal substance in the Oval Office. When confronted about it, he shrugged and said, “Executive privilege, man.”
Perhaps the most controversial use of privilege came yesterday, when Obama appeared at the wedding of a White House staffer and invoked the right of primae noctis with the bride. This aroused a great deal of consternation from everyone except the bride, who blushed and hurried off with the President into a utility closet. The sounds that followed would have made Monica Lewinsky blush.
Many Republicans have come out against what they see as an abuse of executive power. A tearful John Boehner took the floor in the House today to decry the President’s actions. “This past weekend, he showed up at my house, peed in my coffee, kicked my dog and made love to my wife. This has got to stop!”
Democrats have responded by pointing to several instances when former president George W. Bush would invoke executive privilege to get invited to birthday parties and only bring cheap beer.
But really, Obama is totally awesome and everyone likes him. Romney’s got a horse face and smells like old Bibles.
Editor’s Note: The writer of this article would like to apologize. While writing this, the President showed up, took the writer’s computer, finished the article and drop-kicked it out the window. It was a perfect field goal, because Obama is a superstar.
Editor’s Update: The President made me edit that note, too. Then he gave me a swirly and stole my lunch money.