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GOP Calls Obamacare Ruling A Victory

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Washington, DC: The GOP has come out with a statement calling the Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision upholding the individual mandate a victory for conservative forces around the US.  This was strangely at odds with the Republican’s wailing, crying and gnashing of teeth immediately after the announcement of the ruling.

“No, no, those were tears of joy,” Said Republican Congressman Mitch McConnell. “We conservatives are a passionate bunch.” He followed this remark with an expression that could only loosely be called a smile.

House Republicans breathe sigh of relief publically: Speaker John Boehner, Rep. Paul Ryan,
Rep. Jeb Hensarling, Rep. Eric Cantor and Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers. (Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

The statement comes as a surprise to many, who saw the Republican’s rampant campaigning and vitriol as a sincere attempt to influence the ruling, not to mention the conspicuous swelling of Justice Scalia’s bank account in direct proportion with the number of talking points he gave lip service to.  Congressman McConnell says they’ve got it all wrong.

“See, it was all sleight-of-hand, a misdirection of sorts,” Insisted McConnell. “What are Republicans best at if not saying one thing and doing another?”

The truth, Republicans say, was that they were merely setting the stage for the real battle, which will be in the race to be president and efforts to repeal the health care law.  Even though Romney is behind in almost every poll and people are largely becoming comfortable with the idea of being able to afford medical treatment, the GOP says this is all part of the plan.

“We were trying to draw out our enemies and, in that, we’ve been successful.” Republican John Boehner said in a press conference last week.  “We now know that we can’t count on the support of the Supreme Court  or, for that matter, the American people.”

This turning away from trying to win over constituents is just part of a pattern that has been developing for some time.  It started with the embracing of the Birther movement, which alienated most African American people in the country along with most rational people.  It continued with Republicans’ favorite non-issue; birth control, which alienated most women who aren’t former beauty queens who endorse shooting wolves out of helicopters.  Then, a combination of policy decisions that seem to ask the question, “Why do Latinos have any rights at all?” routed everyone except Mark Rubio.

“This whole healthcare debate proved that the biggest threat to the future of America,” Representative Boehner leaned forward over the podium, a tear, as usual, in his eye, “is America.”

In this way, the GOP has fired the first shot of their war for the rights of ordinary Americans against the savage assault by ordinary Americans.  In their statement they declared their intention to stand up against the forces of jurisprudence, popular opinion and common sense.

“We’re heroes, if you think about it.” Boehner nodded, looking over the crowd, “but don’t think too hard.”

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